


Chasing the Impossible

by VanishedGalaxy



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-09 12:32:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 37,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8890804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanishedGalaxy/pseuds/VanishedGalaxy
Summary: In which Luhan is running after something, but never actually reaching it.~*~The game of love is played by two; one who is standing still and one who is desperate enough.Every relationship builds on dedication and will.Often, at least one of them gets hurt.And it just so happened that Luhan has been the one running after something he could not reach, something that was far too hard to get a hold of.~*~Based on a real story, this is a tale about someone who wanted a life much different than the one they lived.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Reposted from my AFF account because I decided to also join this site, for some reason .-.

When relationships build between people, small strings form and attach them to one another, holding them together through good and bad, in sunshine and hurricanes. As far as one end of the string goes, it will only stretch but never break, therefore keeping both sides forever attached. But sometimes, these threads can stretch so much and they will tear and wear with time to the point that they will be kept together by a string so small that a soft breeze could cut it in two.

But often, it isn’t just the distance that breaks such attachment; it is often one of the sides as well. One of the two will often get tired, will be absorbed by something new and will forget to give the same attention to it like they did before their parting. Sometimes it is not intended but sometimes, one end of the string just needs to protect themselves.

And that’s what Luhan had tried to do.

He had been taken and put into a new city he barely knew still, shoved into new environment with people he didn’t know and with no whatsoever familiar face other than his mother’s.

The change had come slowly; it was just a summer holiday for him when he and his mother left their hometown and moved there for three months, his mother working while he busied himself with video games from morning till night. The agreement was to head back home at the end of summer and that’s what they did.

The next summer was the same for the most part, it just involved a little walking here and there around the city which Luhan did only because a year had passed and video games were not as amusing as they used to be before. The agreement was to head back to their home at the end of the summer and that was canceled when his mother decided to stay there and work during winter as well.

Luhan was not fond of the idea. In fact, he _hated_ it. He hated the city he hadn’t gotten used to because it was so big and unknown and scary compared to his little hometown by the sea. He didn’t know anyone his age either; he had met some of his mother’s coworkers but they were just that, his mother’s coworkers and not even _her_ friends. He hated the air that was polluted and thick and he hated the rundown apartment of one bedroom slash living room slash kitchen and one bathroom as well.

Days would pass and as the summer neared to its end, he would often find himself beg his mother to go back because he hated the place with all his might. He missed the clear air, the green scenery, the horizon of the sea and, most of all, his friends and father. Their absence in his life was already too obvious with the pass of summer and he just wanted to _go_ _back_. Back to where he wanted to be, back to where he had people who accepted him, back to where he had grown up, back to where he belonged.

Back to where he was _happy_.

“We can’t. You know we can’t afford going back, we won’t have food to eat if I don’t accept the offer.”

His mother was right to some extent. Their awful economics were worse than most people’s and the endless months of rain had ruined his father’s crops for the year. Which meant only one thing; winter would come and they would starve. But he still begged so that at least _he_ would go back. He didn’t want to attend a school which was located who knows where and with students he had never seen before in his life. He was fifteen after all, it was hard to make friends at that age.

But attend such a school he did and he was even forced to walk forty minutes because, fuck it, the school bus did not round in the neighborhood he lived at. And the first day was just torture. Luhan had gone far too long without proper exercise and unstoppable walking was only torturous to his legs and muscles. By the time he reached the school, he was too sweaty and tired, and drops fell from his forehead and long hair.

But he didn’t regret his outfit either. He had made sure to wear all dark along with a cap and a scarf that both hid his face in some way or another. The plan his mother had rolled out for him was as this; they would stay the winter and the summer, but next year, they would go back. And Luhan’s scars of his old friends’ absence still hurt him too much to let him build new friendships only to lose them once he left again. In fact, he thought it was too early and he was still too fragile, having shed tears the previous night because he knew that this year’s first school day would not be the same like the previous ones.

Finding a seat at the end of the classroom was pretty easy; walking to it was kind of nerve-wrecking. Eyes would follow him and low whispers would reach his ears because, damn his luck, it was a considerably small school and new students were rare. He fumbled a little on his feet, but he managed to reach the desk without giving another reason for his new classmates to talk about him. Settling down, he pulled his notebook out of his bag, turning through the blank pages and numerous drawings until he found a new one, and started doodling with the pencil he had fit in between the pages.

He could feel eyes on him and he was glad he had grabbed the cap in the morning for it hid his face from the curious eyes, and as much as he wondered if it was going to be rude if he kept the cap on during class, he couldn’t really care about his new teacher’s opinion either. He wasn’t going to break his head in attempt to make a good impression, _no_ , he was done with that. He wasn’t planning to even _try_ to hide how much he hated being there, in that classroom and with those classmates when his friends were back home and so far away from him.

The bell rang and the teacher entered and Luhan was thanking God when the he didn’t as much as placed an eye on him. Luhan knew everyone knew he was there, they just ignored him unless they were to gossip between themselves. But then, when Luhan thought he had survived through everything, the topic of desks came up as two students had nowhere to sit. The teacher had suggested one sitting by him and the other by the boy sitting in front of him (who hadn’t stopped erasing random doodles from the desk the past ten minutes), but of course, no one wanted to sit by the shadow at the back of the classroom in fear that he turned out to be some kind of cannibal.

“Xi? Can you sit by Do?” The teacher asked and for the first time, he looked at Luhan without throwing disapproving side-glances at him. “It’d save the trouble of dragging another desk here.”

Being the good person he was, Luhan nodded his head without voicing an answer and as he stood and grabbed his bag, he could hear hushed talking.

“Can’t he speak?”

“He’s so rude!”

“Is it even a ‘he’?”

Clenching his jaw and going for the silence card, Luhan moved to the desk in front of his former, letting his bag fall by the leg and sitting in the empty chair. The person who had been sitting there, something Do, moved his chair farther to the left, pulling himself away from Luhan and as much as he tried doing it subtly, Luhan _had_ noticed. Taking a glance at the other, he took in his profile; small almost round face, petite characteristics but big wide eyes behind thick-framed eyeglasses. His hair was nicely styled and brushed and of black color, and overall, in Luhan’s opinion, he looked like your average nerd. The difference in their looks showed the exact far ends one would find in any given classroom and Luhan couldn’t but mentally laugh at this little joke of a fact.

But as his former desk was pulled away and placed in another spot, he couldn’t but wish for the hours to tick faster and the days to pass quicker and the seasons to end, and shall they come again next year, he would be back sitting with his friends and joking about memories and old pranks once more.

**

Somewhere into the year, he discovered that, in fact, the pain of the parting was starting to cease and it had taken him only a while to figure out why; his phone had gone unused for _months_.


	2. Breaking Walls

That time of the year had come again and the walk from home to school was something he had gotten used to during the previous year. When he looked at himself in the mirror that day, he didn’t know if he wanted to laugh at himself or cry tears he had long to let go.

He hadn’t changed much during the past months. He might have taken a couple centimeters in height and lost weight due to daily walking one and half hours, and his hair had also gotten longer since it’d been a while since he got a haircut and the ends touched his shoulders by now. But, something hadn’t changed.

The city hadn’t changed into his hometown, his house hadn’t changed into his home, his school was not changed into his old one and his life had not changed into his happy one either. He was still a floating buoy trying to not drown because the time had graced it with lots and lots of hurricanes by now. Not even his choice of clothing changed; all black, cap, scarf.

It was scary, but he also found himself feeling _nothing_.

Not even his muscles screamed in protest when he walked the distance, not even his ears picked up the gossip and whispering which had gradually become too rare by now. Luhan couldn’t even find any emotion to spare when he looked his classmates in the eye the way he used to glare at them when they talked about him behind his back. He felt _nothing_.

He would plop in his chair in his new classroom, pull out his notebook and turn pages and pages of doodles until he reached a blank one and he would start drawing down whatever the music playing in his ears gave him inspiration to. His cell phone was always thrown on the surface of the desk as he doodled his time away by listening to wild songs of metal and rock just for the sake of the loud sounds that distracted him from the outside world.

When the song ended and he wanted to listen to it again, he looked up from his notebook for the first time since he sat down, going for the old device on the desk, but having his eyes meet another pair instead.

The boy was dressed in plain sports clothes but one way or another—and Luhan had no idea which—he appeared so handsome and good-looking and although Luhan knew he shouldn’t, he kept staring into those captivating brown eyes which looked back with equal curiosity. His hair was cut short and it was a nice shade of brown, his face, eyes, nose and even lips looked round. His body frame was also pretty thin yet Luhan could see the obvious muscles peeking out from the t-shirt the other wore.

He wasn’t sure why he was staring but when he finally pulled his eyes down on the cell phone, he could feel his chest ache from the wild pumping his heart did against his ribcage and by the way his reflection on his cell phone’s screen showed his slightly wide eyes and parted lips, he knew this was something unnatural. Because it had been over a year since his heart beat this fast and it was also the first time in a long while since he found an expression on his face.

He could still feel stares on him and he thanked his cap for hiding his face from prying eyes. Just when he was about to change the playlist and put on the song that was practically at fault for making him face the other boy, he was jerked startled by the chair next to him being taken. Looking up he found wide eyes staring at him and he forced a light smile on his lips while he pulled out an earplug.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning.”

Kyungsoo was his new and only friend since he stepped foot in there. Although it had taken a couple months till Kyungsoo opened up to him (because Kyungsoo was afraid of him and the grim look he often sported), once they found one thing they had in common, they bonded pretty fast. They were still quite different and edgy and their relationship was still more taking than giving but Luhan wouldn’t complain either when the brunette was the only person he could kind of freely talk to.

“How are you? Did you sleep well?” Kyungsoo asked as he started taking out his books and pens and other stuff Luhan never bothered to bring along with him to school.

“I am fine. I didn’t get that much rest though…” Luhan’s sleeping pattern was unhealthy and he would be lucky if he was able to sleep six hours in one night. Today, though, his brain worked on three and a beer he had grabbed on his way there after ‘borrowing’ some cash from his mother’s purse. “How about you?”

“I’m great, thank you for asking.”

Their everyday talk would end there until break time and it was of the furthest conversations they would do most of the time. Which was, sometimes, more than enough for Luhan. Subtly, Luhan tried to take a glance at the boy he had locked eyes with previously, but he found his back retreating for the door and Luhan grabbed the opportunity to poke Kyungsoo and ask him once he was paying attention to him.

“Who’s that boy?”

“Hmm?” Kyungsoo hummed in question, looking up and at the direction Luhan pointed with his eyes. “That’s Minseok,” He stated with almost no interest, looking back at the book in his hands.

Luhan wasn’t sure if the answer was that simple or if Kyungsoo was trying to avoid him and study last minute stuff instead. Growling in his head, he leaned over his desk, his finger poking one shoulder and the person turned around, wild slightly curly hair following the whip of his head.

“What’s up?” Baekhyun was another classmate he had gotten to know the past year. He was fun to talk to and Luhan would often strive to him when he wanted to tell a dirty joke or a joke altogether—Kyungsoo was too serious for that and he never found sex that appealing anyways. Despite having a handful of flaws, Baekhyun made a decent friend, in all honesty.

The blonde sitting by him also turned around with interest and smiled. His name was Sehun and he had met him along with Baekhyun. The two of them were close friends and he had somehow made a small spot in between them, and he would often hang out with them during breaks when Kyungsoo ignored him. “Hey,” He said with his nasal voice and Luhan smiled back at the duo.

“Who was that one you spoke to?”

Baekhyun seemed confused and Sehun gave him a look. “Who?” Sehun asked in the end.

“That boy with short brown hair and thin and round face… The one who was standing there a couple minutes ago,” Luhan pointed at the side of their desk and he wondered if his staring was too obvious by his words now.

“Him?” Baekhyun eyed him weirdly. “He’s Minseok, you’ve met him,” When Luhan blinked his eyes in confusion and surprise, Sehun rolled his eyes.

“You had met him last year a couple times. He had slightly longer hair and he has lost some weight as well,” At Luhan’s blinking, he continued. “I know as a fact that you have met him before.”

“Have I?” Luhan honestly couldn’t recall the other. It felt like they were teasing him because he couldn’t remember that face. And as much as he tried to remember, it was as if he was trying to recall something that had never happened. There was nothing… there was a blank spot attached to the name _Minseok_. It even felt foreign on his tongue. He had never used it before and he surely didn’t remember shaking hands with any Minseok in his life either. He couldn’t but wonder if they were pulling a prank on him and trying to make him feel crazy—which, in a sense, they succeeded doing anyways.

“I will introduce you to him again, if that’s the problem.” Sehun offered and Luhan nodded his head curtly, sitting back into his seat a little shell-shocked. Sehun couldn’t keep a straight face when lying even if his life depended on it, and the way he had just blurted the suggestion right now made Luhan feel _stupid_.

Seriously, he felt the most stupid since his birth.

Was it even possible to meet someone and forget them entirely? Forget they exist? It was impossible in Luhan’s opinion but what could he be sure of anymore? The way his brain worked often made him wonder his sanity because _God_ , Sehun was _not_ lying about this.

The bell rang but he didn’t even flinch like he normally does when it echoes—he’s easily startled. He plainly sat back in his chair, eyes wide and staring off into the distance and not focusing on anything. It wasn’t that he was thinking of something that much, no, he was more of wondering what the hell he’d been doing when he was introduced to that good-looking boy. It was unnatural and it was strange and Luhan maybe or maybe not spent the first couple lessons of the day fighting waves and waves of other memories in search of the one where he met the boy.

Minseok.

But he was only met with more blank spots of events which had happened.

**

Like promised, Sehun and Baekhyun led him to the classroom Minseok was in and to his even greater surprise, it was located on the same hallway just a door down south and he was even in the same grade as them. The more he learned, the more Luhan was unsure of his brain’s existence. Piece by piece of information was slowly picking at his sanity.

The trio stood by the door and Sehun gestured for Minseok to walk out and when he did, he showed a small smile. “Luhan, this is Minseok. Minseok, this is Luhan,” He gestured from one to the other quickly with a bored expression since it was a repeated scene of one year ago.

“I know him…” Minseok said a little confused and Baekhyun rolled his eyes at him as if the reason behind this was too obvious.

“He doesn’t remember meeting you so we repeat this,” He grimaced at that because he still couldn’t believe it. “I hope we won’t have to do this next year.”

The comment was uncalled for but Luhan ignored it, focusing on the new face standing in front of him and still, nothing sparked a memory in him. Nothing was familiar and only then did he realize that in fact, most of the previous year was missing from his memory.

“Nice to meet you again, I hope you’ll remember me from now on,” Minseok smiled again widely and Luhan felt even more lost than before. Frankly, it was due to a different reason this time.

Ignoring the pounding of his heart, he nodded his head, forcing a smile over his nervous expression. “I’m sorry, I guess I was distracted last time.”

“Maybe that was it.” Sehun’s eyebrows arched in surprise as he tried remembering the scene clearly. “You were drawing and when you are, even if God talks to you, you won’t hear a thing.”

Luhan smiled sheepishly, feeling at the guilty end of this. “I’m still sorry though. I tend to get too distracted when I’m talking or drawing or whatever.”

“At least you have noticed that,” Baekhyun commented and Luhan’s mouth fell shut, feeling that that sentence was uncalled for as well. “Let’s go hang out now, I want some fresh air.”

Hanging out meant chilling on the bench placed in the corner of two walls where the shade was always present and light wind blew through most of the days. Luhan had been there with Baekhyun and Sehun a couple times and they would fit just right but today, since Minseok tugged along, they had to change their seats. Luhan climbed up with Minseok and both sat on the bench’s back, feet placed on the bench’s seating. Sehun sat between Luhan’s legs and Baekhyun sat between Minseok’s and somehow, that was comfortable enough.

“So, do you want to go out today?” Baekhyun asked as he stared at the sky, back leaned against Minseok’s lap and hands placed on his thighs, legs stretched out as he shook them in a silent rhythm.

“I’m in,” Sehun replied almost quickly and Minseok nodded slightly.

“I don’t know, I’ll tell you later.”

Silence lingered for a short while until Sehun turned his head and looked up at Luhan. “What about you?”

Feeling flustered, he nodded his head without much thinking and somehow, he had agreed to go out with them for the third time in the past two years.

“Luhan, tell a joke,” Baekhyun whined right after, leaning back close to Minseok’s crotch only to make himself comfortable and the brunette overhead felt a little flustered by the movement.

The times he would spend with Baekhyun and Sehun would often be basic-framed. They would chill and relax, and welcome the shadow and wind. The silence would often be long and the only times one of them talked was to shot a joke or ask whether they wanted to hang out later in the afternoon or not. Luhan would often smoke his cigarette when Baekhyun or Sehun asked him to tell a joke or something funny for their entertainment but today, he had forgotten to grab the pack from his backpack.

But somehow, he wasn’t that in need of nicotine anyway.

Stealing a glance towards Minseok, Luhan looked ahead at the backyard of the school, students scattered all over it and he let a light sigh. His eyes searched for something that was never there to begin with; familiar faces that lived in his past now. He inhaled a deep breath, the fresh air filling his lungs as he closed his eyes, trying to bring his happy self out instead of appearing depressed—when he did, he would just blame it on the lack of sleep. When he opened his eyes again, he said, “What did the police say to the midget that complained someone picked his pocket?”

**

Pretending had become a part of his life that had slowly turned into something natural. As natural as breathing, he would fake smile after smile and he would act happy and energetic. Every day he would arrive to school with a half empty can of beer, gulping the last alcohol before dumping the can in the garbage before entering the gates. Every day he would smoke cigarettes one after the other; when he was alone, when he felt lonely, when he felt down, when he felt annoyed. His nerves would stay calm under the illusion the nicotine carved in his head’s walls, keeping his sanity intact as much at it could. But it often broke and it just so happens that it would break when night fell for the day and the hours would tick by as he lay on the couch.

His mother would come home late, close to midnight, and Luhan would fake to be asleep until she had changed into her sleepwear and once she dozed off on the only small bed they had, Luhan’s eyes would snap open and wide, meeting the ceiling for another lonely night. The calming in- and exhales of his mother’s would travel in the heavy silence and it somehow annoyed Luhan the slightest.

Her absence during the whole day was too much and after some months of her working schedule that made her leave him hours alone, Luhan had gotten used to the silence. To the point breathing irritated his nerves beyond anything else. And he would put on his blue headphones, covering his ears entirely and playing songs too loud as to hide the outside world’s sounds.

That was what he only did lately; ignore the world.

Ignore the pain, ignore the longing, the melancholy. Ignore the acting and the fakeness and the pretense. Ignore the absence of his father’s deep calming voice and his mother’s tight hugs. Ignore the absence of his loud and hyper friends, ignore the new ones. Forget the school, its teachers and its students.

At any given chance, he avoided the world as if it would swallow him up but, in fact, he was just drowning in his own like this.

Releasing a silent deep sigh, Luhan’s eyes darted up on the white ceiling, wondering just when his routine would break in two and he would meet again the happiness he once had. He wondered when everything would go back to how it was, when his ignorance and childishness was his overall character instead of this… _something_.

He wondered just how long it would take for his brain to calm down on its speed-thinking and memory-digging and just how many hours of sleep he would get this night.

It turned out to be less than two.

**

Ironically enough, Luhan had never been one to find it difficult to socialize with people. He had always been the social butterfly and he would always be one to take a step towards a new person. He would always bombard them with questions with eager curiosity and talk about himself to them just as easily. He was hyper when it came to communication and he never appeared shy before anyone.

If he was a dog, his tail would be wagging all day long.

Smiling was always a default function and he never ceased to show his emotions to others either. He would always dance about instead of walking, sing to random songs and comically exaggerate about whatever. He would lay out jokes one after the other and his humor was always there to entertain whoever.

That was how he had been and how he had grown up to be.

But he couldn’t understand this shyness he felt when _he_ gazed his way.

Minseok turned out to have a small group of friends from his own classroom and he would often ditch Baekhyun and Sehun during little breaks and he would rarely come by to say ‘hi’ during lunch time. The times, however, that he showed up, Luhan would feel nervous as if he was supposed to say something but didn’t know what exactly. His hands would fumble and would intertwine their fingers and he would shove them into his pockets or hold them behind his back, out of sight. His palms would sweat under the pressure seemingly only he felt while Sehun and Baekhyun would talk to Minseok naturally, _easily_. And Luhan would be left gulping audibly, standing just meters away from the trio and stare at them with uncertain eyes. He felt like he had to say something. But why couldn’t he speak the way he always spoke in front of Minseok?

“Do you want to come over to my house today?” Sehun asked as he leaned against the wall, casually hiding his hands in his jeans’ pockets as he stared at the two brunettes.

“I want,” Baekhyun raised a hand and smirked. “Movie night?”

“Sure,” Sehun shrugged his shoulders, eyeing Luhan who still kept his distance. “What about you?”

Feeling three pairs of eyes on him, Luhan gulped nervously. He refused to make eye contact with Minseok and instead stared at Sehun. “Me?”

“Yeah.” Sehun rolled his eyes. “When one of us asks something like this, it’s addressed to you as well.”

Luhan only stared and hesitantly nodded, agreeing to yet another request just for the heck of it. His mind was too distracted with a particular brunette who stood close enough.

“I’ll come as well,” Minseok smiled and Luhan found himself staring at his smile as if he had never seen something so perfect before.

Maybe he hadn’t.

**

Baekhyun’s obsession over ‘Sex and the city’ was something Luhan could not process at all. He couldn’t see the point in watching a movie revolving four rich women travel to some sandy country and spend vacations that were meant for wealthy people only. He couldn’t even understand Baekhyun’s obsession over the flashing scenes and the light squealing he did every now and then when the scene was supposed to be funny—it wasn’t, in Luhan’s opinion.

Sehun seemed to be partially into the film as well and Luhan only leaned back on the bed he sat at, pulling the covers over his head and releasing a groan which was more addressed at himself. It was he who had agreed into this and therefore he was the one who had dug his own grave when he nodded to come watch this.

He pulled the blanket down just enough for his eyes to glance about, his stare falling on the brunette lying on the couch and staring at the TV with little interest—but still more than Luhan. Luhan’s eyes took in the other’s sprawled position, the blanket thrown over his short body and one corner of it touching the floor as it fell from the couch, a leg placed on the back of the furniture and a white sock with some kind of drawing Luhan couldn’t really make out was in sight.

Luhan pulled his legs close to his chest, back against the wall and the blanket wrapped around him tightly as he leaned his head back, turned just a little for his eyes to stare at the back of Minseok’s head. With his eyelids slowly falling shut, the last scene he managed to register was the glance the other took right before Luhan’s consciousness slipped into black.

The light poking against his cheek brought him slowly back from dreamland and his eyes fluttered open, blinking a couple times until he registered the face in front of him. He gasped from being startled, pushing himself back and practically into the wall. Sehun’s eyes stared at him with interest and from such a close distance that it made Luhan feel a little uncomfortable.

“It’s late…”

“Is it…?” Luhan croaked, a frown appearing as his eyes darted by instinct at the couch where Minseok was a while ago—he wasn’t there anymore.

Sehun nodded his head, straightening himself and then pointing over his shoulder. “The movie ended half hour ago and everyone’s left.”

“Is that so…” Luhan moved away from the wall slowly, still a little confused about what was happening. “How long was I out?” He looked up at Sehun’s face who thought about it a little.

“Over half of the movie.”

The elder couldn’t but look down, feeling a little ashamed. “Sorry…” He wasn’t really sure why he was apologizing, it just felt right to do. After all, this night was not supposed to be like this.

“Don’t worry about it, you were tired anyways,” Sehun waved it off and glanced at the clock. “It’s pretty late though and you have a long way back home.”

“I know,” Honestly, Luhan hadn’t noticed how the time was reaching midnight and he jumped off the bed, stumbling and fumbling on the blanket and Sehun grabbing a hold on him before he met with the floor.

“Be careful.”

“Sorry,” Sehun rolled his eyes at that. “I have to go.”

“You should.”

Luhan often thought of Sehun as his closest friend among the people he met lately. He wasn’t always there for him but he was nice and kind and he actually put a lot into building their friendship slowly and strongly. Where Baekhyun would most likely kick him off the bed while he slept just for laughs, Sehun did as much as this; poke his cheek and wake him quietly and gently. There was something close to appreciation that grew under Sehun’s name in his heart.

Sehun let go of his forearm after making sure Luhan was steady on his feet. The elder hurriedly placed the blanket back in it’s place and stepped into his shoes before walking out of the small apartment that was Sehun’s brother’s. Making sure that he still had his cell phone and keys, Luhan smiled and waved at the other before he left the residence, bidding him goodbye’s and good night’s.

The walk home was long and as soon as Luhan stepped out of the apartment building, he snatched his earplugs from his jacket and put them on, pressing a couple buttons on his cell phone and letting the music buzz in his ears. The songs he had played so many times already echoed through his brain, his feet starting down the street, heading home and his mind wondering if Minseok, who had pretty much the same long way back home, reached his house safely.

What startled him a little was that he didn’t as much as think if Baekhyun was home by then.


	3. Definition of Love

Luhan wouldn’t have noticed the change in him. It was so subtle and so sneaky that it had taken a long time and another person’s remark and comment to make him realize that, in fact, somewhere he had lost himself.

“Why do you always ask about Minseok?”

The question would linger whenever he was told to hang out and, for some strange reason, his first question would be whether Minseok would be there. Through the past short weeks, Luhan’s plans had started to revolve around the brunette and if they weren’t, then they were cancelled. It weren’t just a couple times that he had made up some kind of an excuse as to ditch Sehun and Baekhyun and, honestly, the past days his excuses had been the same since he was at a serious lack of any more.

But there was something that tugged Luhan’s curiosity and whenever he would actually hang out with the others and Minseok would be there, he would practically run and he would be there before the scheduled time. The extra time it took him in front of the mirror was also a change and he would often have his mother walk on him with a questioning look. And he would also make sure his clothes were clean and without wrinkles, and his hair brushed and styled before he made his long way to the usual café they would go to.

However, this had started out as something he did unconsciously until it became something Sehun noticed and the blonde was not even one to be this observant. Luckily, Baekhyun had not mentioned anything yet and it brought some kind of relief in Luhan, because he knew the moment the brunette noticed, he would be surely teased if not blackmailed.

He was sure he had everything under control until the clock stroke midnight and the music above his head did not stop and his drink was already finished, and it was the third time they had started the card game all over again. He thought he had everything on reign until he noticed, that in fact, Minseok had not stepped foot in the café for hours. Bringing his phone out, he touched the screen and his Facebook page popped up, and his eyes fell on the people currently on. Because he might or might not have been checking if Minseok was home and online.

“Wasn’t Minseok supposed to join us tonight?” He looked from his cell phone only to find two pair of eyes staring at him slightly wide and he wondered if he had said something wrong. He hadn’t, had he? It was subtle and the question was a natural wonder, why were they looking at him like he had just said something so obvious that even if he broke his head, he would be unable to see it?

“He couldn’t make it,” Baekhyun replied and Luhan frowned slightly.

“But you told me he would come,” He wasn’t that of an idiot; he might forget things but that, he was sure of. He and Baekhyun had talked on chat and after his usual question of _Will Minseok come?_ Baekhyun had said _yes_. And now, he said he couldn’t come?

“I lied,” Baekhyun’s reply was more of a shock than anything else and that somehow scared Luhan. He felt like a fool, but it wasn’t because Baekhyun had lied to him—no, Luhan could always look past lies because he didn’t mind them much. But to know that Baekhyun _had_ noticed... It opened a new chapter and he knew that whatever came after this, it would be plainly him defending something he held dear for some reason he didn’t even know himself. “You always ask about him. What’s up with that?”

Luhan clenched his jaws together, a quick glance at Sehun and he was met with an equally curious stare—though, it also held some kind of… _pity_? He opened his mouth but he closed it back, not having anything to say and not wanting to gape like some koi fish either. Somehow, he had no words to share, not even something to defend himself with because, frankly, he didn’t know _how_ to. He would take a sip of his drink just to ease the uncomfortable feeling of being cornered like this, but he had no more beer to drink it away.

And he was left to blurt something that was a weak attempt of self-defense.

“I don’t always ask about him.”

“Actually, you do,” Sehun noted and Baekhyun glanced at him before staring at Luhan with judging eyes.

“You always check whether he will join us or not. And if he does not, you always use an excuse. By the way, your excuses have become too predictable and are over-used.”

Luhan pursed his lips into a thin line, unsure of how to save himself from drowning in this, almost too pressured to give a proper reply. And for once, when his cell phone rang, he thanked heavens he did not believe in and Gods he still suspected. Excusing himself with a fake apologetic smile, he answered it and for once, he kept quiet as his mother expressed worries and whatnot about where he was and what time it was and how dark it would be when he took his way back home. And for once, he reassured her that he would be home soon and grabbed the opportunity as it was, paying and escaping from questions he was trying to avoid.

It was that night, however, that his mind wandered off as he walked, going back and forth about his subconscious motives and what exactly he was checking when he stood in front of the mirror every night before meeting up with the trio.

**

He couldn’t understand his actions either.

Monday came and Tuesday left and as the rest days passed, Luhan tried to understand himself. There was something about the way he reacted when Minseok was around; how he would watch out his facial expressions when laughing just to appear charismatic, how he would try to jump ahead and grab a seat by Minseok on the bench drown in shade during breaks, how he would keep a straight posture and how his hands had become graceful in their movements. He would also catch his eyes often stealing glances at the other male, often silently begging for attention and when he got none, he would repeat it all over again a couple seconds later. He would also graze his fingers with Minseok and he would never skip a chance of holding onto him or hugging him or touching him.

As if Minseok was some kind of magnet and whenever he was around, Luhan was just another useless piece of metal that had no other option than let itself be pulled towards him. Against his will yet at the same time, it felt so natural.

And as much as he didn’t want to admit it, Luhan was _scared_.

This was something he hadn’t felt before and as many few crushes he had had, they had never been of such kind. They were more innocent, they were simpler and they were short-lived and obvious. But this, this was complicated and it had already lasted so long that even _he_ didn’t know how long. And above all, he would often close his eyes at night to the thought of brown hair between his fingers and teeth clashing and his eyes closed, and wondering just what kind of taste Minseok’s mouth held hidden behind his plump lips.

He knew he walked over invisible lines and he was surely jumping back and forth, playing with the limits and testing waters; back and forth, back and forth. Searching for a conclusion to a problem he still could not word.

And one night, Luhan had stayed up late, waiting for his mother to come back home and for once, he did not pretend to be asleep when she walked in. Instead, he sat on the couch, back bent and shoulders hunched, elbows propped on his thighs and head staring at the coffee table as if it had all the answers he wanted to hear—it didn’t. Thus, when he heard the door click and the light footsteps of his mother’s tired form, his head perked up with alert and the first thing he wanted to say was nothing along the lines of some sort of greeting.

“Why are you not asleep?” His mother asked and Luhan grabbed that opportunity to skip greetings altogether—he didn’t have time for that, he had to finish off his questions and lie down and think of Minseok’s hair, closed eyes and mysterious tastes he wanted to taste.

“Mom, can I ask something?”

“Wait a bit.”

Luhan didn’t want to wait, though. He doubted he would be able to ask the things he wanted before he cowered out and faked asleep again before she even came out of the shower. He wasn’t that strong and he was _this_ close to ditching the whole idea when the bathroom door opened and out stepped his mother, dressed in her pajamas and hair wet and face without traces of make-up. At least the extra time had also worked as a chance for him to pump his confidence.

“How do you know you’re in love?”

He watched as his mother sat at the foot of the bed, sitting opposite of him, and a thoughtful expression slowly made its way to her facial characteristics. And maybe Luhan knew that the question was sudden and out of the blue, maybe a bit weird as well, but he would always trust his mother’s judgment before some random site on the internet.

“Well,” His mother started, talking slowly as she thought it through “you always want to be around them, you always stare at them and always want to touch them. Protect them from any harm and support them at their worst, help them up if they have fallen and be happy when they are happy. There are no facts about loving someone, you don’t just _know_. It’s until something happens that you wonder when your relationship had gone that way, or until someone points it out for you,” His mother’s lips formed a small tight smile, her eyes falling on her son’s form under half-closed eyelids. “Why do you ask?”

“Just curious,” Luhan waved it off but his mother knew better than that.

“What’s her name?”

Luhan was so close to jerking away at the sound of the word. Her. Boy, where could Luhan actually start to explain how the one who made him question himself didn’t have breasts and instead, had a penis. _Her_. It felt as if his mother mocked him even if she didn’t know, as if the mere situation he was in was that simple to talk about. And Luhan wished, he _truly_ wished, that the reason to ask such a trivial thing would be some petite girl with large eyes and brunette hair and gummy smile with a round face and talents in football, instead of Minseok.

Maybe then, everything would be simpler, less frustrating to talk about and think about, more _normal_. After all, weren’t boys supposed to date girls?

“I’m just wondering because I have been thinking of writing some new short story. I decided to take a break from tragedy and work on some romance,” Although his mother did not look that convinced, she shrugged it off, obviously too exhausted from work to give further thought into the matter when her son didn’t want to reveal anything more.

The thing though, that saved Luhan’s sorry ass, was probably the fact that his mother was too busy through the day that she hadn’t noticed how he had lost whatsoever inspiration in writing months ago.

But the matter was forgotten and Luhan, for a change, did not think of Minseok when he lay on the couch. Instead, he thought of love and caring and touching and he wondered if it was possible between two guys. If it was something he could fight for tomorrow or if it was something that had no point since before the start.

**

Somewhere along the constant thinking and the worry, and the silent questions and stolen glances was that Luhan cracked. The persistent mental conflict and the mix and mess of right and wrong’s made him finally break and when he knew he was so close to hitting the ground from mental exhaustion, he turned to the only person he could trust.

He and Sehun were sitting on a bench, eyes staring off the distance at the flickering lights of the distant city and for once, Luhan had managed to escape Baekhyun’s constant tailing. For once, it was just him and Sehun, enjoying the silence and the peace during the fading day under pairs of dark sunglasses and sipping on a bottle of water.

And as much as they stretched the silence, both knew that there was some purpose in this meeting, a reason behind the request Luhan had made in chat and some cause that made him ask for someone to hear him out. And Sehun was there, just for him, to listen everything through and give advice to a matter that probably he could not help. _At least he can be there to help me if I break._

“Sehun,” Luhan tested, the name rolling on his tongue and almost scattering the sentences he had so thoughtfully put together the past minutes.

“Yeah.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

“What if I told you…”

“…yeah?”

Taking a deep breath, the oxygen almost painful to his lungs as he stared ahead, frozen in place.

“What if I told you I like a guy?”

Maybe Luhan should have worked on his words better, because instead of hearing some kind of response, he heard a shuffle. Glancing at the blonde, he was sure the other had just scouted further because he remembered the other hadn’t sat that far from him.

“It’s not you, Sehun,” The doubt in Sehun’s eyes made him smile lightly, a breathy chuckle echoing in the otherwise silence. “It’s someone else.”

“Who?”

“Can I trust you?” It was foolish, it was childish, Luhan knew as much. But at the same time, he was giving himself time to prepare himself from saying the next words. Once Sehun showed a curt nod, Luhan explained, “It’s Minseok.”

There was a short pause as they stared at one another, both unsure of what to do, until a yell shook them back into reality, unfreezing the time around them.

“I knew it!”

Sehun had jumped off the bench, pointing at Luhan who was gaping, entirely lost somewhere in the whole moment. “What?”

“It was pretty obvious, it would take a blind not to see it,” Sehun gave him a judgmental look. “Or an idiot.”

“I guess the last’s for me,” Luhan heaved a sigh, eyeing him again. “I couldn’t be that obvious…”

“You always asked about Minseok’s whereabouts and you know his classes and lessons better than he knows them himself,” Sehun smiled softly, sitting back on the bench in his former seat—next to Luhan, knees touching and forearms grazing and Luhan felt a warm feeling of acceptance fuzz in his chest. “You’re also pretty touchy with him and smiley and it really makes me sick sometimes.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes,” Sehun nodded sure of his words and Luhan tilted his head. Honestly, he should have given more credit to Sehun’s mind and observation. Where Luhan was still unsure, Sehun was blurting out what seemed to be facts.

“How long…?”

“About a week at least. You don’t give much doubt in it. I actually wonder how Minseok hasn’t caught wind of it.”

“Speaking of him…” Luhan glanced at the blonde, biting on his lower lip harshly. “Do you know if he…?”

“He probably is,” The certainty in Sehun’s voice made the elder doubt him. “He does look like it and let’s face it, football and boyish attitude aside, he’s pretty feminine.”

“I don’t know… He doesn’t look like that to me.”

“I bet he is. If he isn’t, he’ll be at least bisexual,” Sehun reassured him, unscrewing the lid of the water bottle and taking a sip before offering it to Luhan. “I _bet_ he is.”

“I don’t think he is, though…” The elder took the offered bottle in his hand, staring at it for a second before back at the blonde. “You don’t mind me being… _that_? Are you not… freaked out?”

Sehun showed a smile, shaking his head. “I spent half a year last year thinking you were a girl, it doesn’t surprise me that much, really.”

At that, a frown nested over Luhan’s dark eyes. “What do you _mean_ you thought I was a _girl_?”

“Let’s be honest here; you have long hair, you’re thin and you have these big eyes. You look like a girl.”

The elder crumbled under his breath before huffing in disbelief. “And I find out about this only _now_?” Sehun, though, did not answer and instead laughed. And somehow, Luhan agreed that it was one of those questions that did not need an answer and he found himself laughing along, because as weird as it was, at least he finally found out about one of the rumors that had been floating around during his first months in the new school.

**

Strangely enough, while Luhan thought that speaking to someone would ease his feelings and thoughts, he was left with a bigger debate. The fact that Sehun had known before he even talked about the matter to him made him worry because, just _how many_ had noticed already? And above all, what if Minseok had noticed but played the ‘pity’ card or acted as if such feelings were not even possible? It scared him, it worried him—how many knew already?

Walks to school had become shorter when his mind started wandering to places farther than before and he would find himself forget the journey only to pop up in the destination. Music always played in his ears, drowning him in beats of rock and calming ballads because the mix reflected his ever-changing train of thoughts almost too perfectly. He might have heard a couple particular songs more than the rest on the playlist and he might have memorized the foreign lyrics, but he wouldn’t admit to one thing; the most played songs being slow and sad ballads.

He was mid-way when his breath hitched in his throat and he felt his legs wobble under his weight. He grabbed on the railing at the side of the road, holding on it, scared, afraid of the way he felt. His body suddenly felt heavy and there was something in his chest that ached and he wondered what exactly it was while eyes stared around him, wide and troubled, for any sign of someone—no one.

He gulped down his dry throat, the lack of water just reminding him the distance between his home and school. Once he made sure the feeling had subsided, Luhan pushed himself back on track, following down the way to his destination with a worried heart. He didn’t know why exactly he felt so weak but being weak was something he hated. He never showed weakness and to be like this, grabbing on a railing for dear life when his legs felt like they would give in under his weight—it scared him beyond anything else.

When he caught sight of the school’s building, a sense of relief washed him over and as he made his way towards it, his heart skipped a beat when the same feeling came back and, frankly, there was no railing to grab onto and the streets had just started buzzing with life. Moving quickly, Luhan pressed a palm against a parked car, holding himself on his feet as sweat fell from his forehead, eyes wide and unfocused and legs trembling as if an earthquake rocked only him. His heart beat so fast and he wondered if he would get a heart failure in the next seconds—had it been the case, he would most likely welcome it.

He hated his life here anyways.

“Are you alright?” The voice of a male asked and Luhan looked up, maybe a little too fast because he had to play off the sudden dizziness. The man was wearing sports clothing and was middle aged, white hair among black and light wrinkles carved his face.

Luhan’s lips tugged to a reassuring smile—or a fade of it—as he waved the man off with his hand. “I’m alright, just a little tired.”

“Are you sure? Can you walk?” The persistence of the man made him feel awkward and he tried to shove the hands that tried to help him on his feet away.

“I’m alright,” It sounded like a repeated record but Luhan was not one to accept help like this either. It wasn’t that he needed it. As if to prove his point, he pushed himself off the parked car, taking a step and boy, did it take more strength than usual. With his eyes unfocused, his stomach felt like acid and his legs wobbled again under his weight, collapsing once his head fell back and his eyes closed. He could hear faint talking over his head and hands holding him up but he couldn’t feel anything past his waist and surely not the concrete poking through his jeans’ fabric and his knees.

More faint yelling and the next thing Luhan registered was the car that stopped when the man flagged it, asking for the female driver to take him to the closest clinic. But Luhan jerked his arm away from the man, standing on his unsteady feet and shaking his head just the slightest so he wouldn’t feel sick again.

“No, no no, I can’t. I have to go to school,” The hours of studying for the algebra test were almost mocking him because the man heard no words from him and just opened the back door and shoved him in, shutting it and sitting in the passenger’s seat, and by the time Luhan tried to register everything again, the man was already talking directions and the woman driving.

_I guess the test will have to wait._

By the time the car stopped at the nearest clinic, he was able to make his way inside alone—the man though insisted in helping him inside and the iron grip on his forearms would probably bruise soon. He was led into a small room, sat on the hard hospital bed and was told to wait for the doctor. And when he arrived, Luhan tried again to escape.

“I’m fine, I don’t have anything. I’m just tired and I really, _really_ need to go to school.”

“I’m the one who decides that,” The doctor said, glancing at the man who helped Luhan out. “What happened?”

“He was leaning on a car and he almost fainted when I asked him if he’s alright.”

“I am alright now though,” Luhan insisted. “I can go back now, it’s not such of a big deal.”

“You almost fainted!” The man voiced matter-of-factly and, honestly, the only reason Luhan shut his mouth was because it was already so long since he heard a man’s booming voice. In a sense, it brought some kind of safety despite the man being nothing but a helpful stranger to him.

The doctor worked silently from then on, checking his heart pressure and Luhan kept staring at the rising numbers to the surprised expression of the elder man and then back to the black device. The beeping continued and the mere sound stressed Luhan because he _honestly_ was not supposed to be here.

“168,” The doctor said surprised, looking at the teen. “Were you running?”

“I was fast-walking.”

“This is too high.” He checked the numbers again and they rose just a little more and when he looked back at the teen, he noticed the blank stare on the device. Unhooking it from his arm, the doctor sighed. “Lie down and calm down. You look like you’re in too much stress,” And he was out of the door before Luhan managed to say _no, I’m not_.

The seconds ticked annoyingly slowly and Luhan stared at the white ceiling to kill time. It weren’t till ten minutes later that the doctor came back and checked his pulse again and somehow it had come down to a 110. “Did you eat something today?” Luhan shook his head. “How long have you been walking?”

“I don’t know… It takes about 40 minutes to reach school.”

“And you expect yourself to go through such exhaustion without eating something?” The doctor scolded and Luhan casted his eyes down. What could he say? That he hated eating in the morning? That lately he hadn’t been that hungry? He just played with the hem of his shirt, deciding to give up in figuring a response to that. “Anyways,” The elder man sighed. “You should call your parents to pick you up.”

“Can’t I just leave on my own and go to school?” Luhan asked with hope flashing in his eyes and the man shook his head, heaving a tired sigh.

“You’re not going to school. And you’re having someone pick you up or I’m not letting you go anywhere.”

A bitter expression flashed on his face but he nodded his head. “Can I borrow a phone?”

He expected his mother to rush in the clinic and ask for him and scold him for getting in trouble and making her leave work, but when she arrived and entered the small room he sat in, she only showed a smile. She walked to him, half-hugging him with a hand and shook her head in disbelief.

“I expect you to take care of yourself and then I am called and told that my only son was found fainted on the street.”

“That’s exaggeration. I was fine.”

His mother shoved his head with a hand, making him groan lightly. “That’s for making me worry, idiot,” Luhan knew that she had a weird way of loving him, but he accepted the light shove, smiling a bit at her as he jumped off the hospital bed. “Let’s go, I am still supposed to be at work.”

There were a times like these when Luhan got to taste the same warmth the woman who brought him up showered him with. A light memory of what was in the past and how everything had changed on the outside but, somewhere in their hearts, they were still the same. And as much as the beer bottles would fill the trash can back at home and as much as beer bottles would be stacked in six-packs in the fridge, Luhan always expected everything to roll back in place, revive the past and let him live through innocent years again. Childish, wishing for the past to come back and living through memoirs, insisting that what was in the present was also the past.

Some sort of a little world he had made up himself, living and growing alone and protecting himself with tall walls that hid his pain too well. A mask of some kind that was always there because weaknesses were not something he liked and he sure as hell did not want to give away everything he felt.

Who would be there to count his scars anyway? He was practically alone, save for Sehun who struggled to keep up with him, Baekhyun who was always there to point out his flaws and Minseok whose mere existence helped him mentally more than any of the two.

**

Baekhyun’s idea was crap, Luhan knew that as a fact. The brunette had turned around, a wide grin on his face and his eyes half-closed in mischief before he blurted his idiotic idea during the first break between lessons.

“We can fool Minseok and find out whether he likes guys or not.”

When both Luhan and Sehun stared at him in confusion and frowns, he continued, “We can tell him I have some guy friend from another city and who kind of likes him… We can see what reaction he gets with that.”

It was idiotic and as much as Luhan did not want to admit that he wanted to know, he was far too desperate and curious to know whether his constant thinking was futile or not. And so, an hour later, during next break, he felt as if he was sitting on needles. His nerves were sending electrocution through his brain and his fingers seized in anxiety. But he was there, standing in front of the victim of this joke after Baekhyun and Sehun had told the plan to Chanyeol. Honestly, Luhan was never one to be close to the tall brunette—he was unpredictable, often too harsh and his words cut harder than any butcher’s knife, so he found it kind of unnecessary for him to know.

“Hey, Minseok” Baekhyun started when the three of them cornered him at the end of one hall “Want to hear something awesome?”

Minseok’s head perked up in sudden curiosity and Luhan bit on his lip, feeling his insides roll upside down, because this was the moment he would finally find out whether all his running and wondering and fighting was worth the try or not. And he had never been this nervous before, the anxiety literally ate him alive and he wondered how long it would be until he broke in front of the others.

“What?”

“I know this guy from Suwon who might or might not be interested in you.”

“Eh?” Luhan’s jaws clenched, teeth almost hurting from the force. Minseok’s perplexed expression tugged something in him. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you see…” Baekhyun started, lying too easily in his face and Luhan wondered if it he actually lied frequently enough to be this convincing. “He saw a photo of you on my phone and said you were cute. He insists on meeting you and he asked me if you would be interested.”

“Do I know him?”

“No.”

“What’s his name?”

“You don’t know him,” Baekhyun almost hissed and Luhan changed his weight from one foot to the other, unsure of what now because Minseok was obviously running away from the simple question of ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

“Tell me his name, I know a lot from Suwon.”

“ _You don’t know him_ , Minseok,” Baekhyun insisted and Luhan barely managed to notice the slight annoyance grace Chanyeol’s face.

“I might know.”

“For God’s sake, it’s Luhan!”

Time stopped and the oxygen was knocked out of his lungs, his breath hitched in his throat as his eyes widened. Three pairs of eyes fell on him and Luhan suddenly felt suffocated as if pushed underwater. And he tried to grasp a breath and he couldn’t. Not under the pitiful and shocked stare of Sehun’s, not under the blank glance of Baekhyun’s and surely not under the unreadable brown orbs of Minseok’s. His heart beat fast and his palms felt wet and his chest released labored attempts for oxygen. But he was lost in time, stuck in it and it took him a couple more seconds before he broke the eye contact with Minseok and turned his back, quickly walking away with Sehun’s yells too faint behind him.

And he did what he did best; run away. Run away from the world, from reality, from everything that pained him and from everything that was too hurtful and traumatic.

He just entered the classroom, releasing a long row of curses when he felt Sehun close on his heels and then he abruptly came to a halt. The bell must have rung already for everyone was already in their seats and the teacher was at his own desk waiting to start the lesson and Luhan gulped. Because everyone’s attention was on him and Sehun, who was grabbing on his forearm, just as shaken from the eyes on him as Luhan.

And they stared, waiting for the teacher to scold them because God damn it, Luhan had just screamed a mix of every single swear word he knew before he entered the classroom.


	4. Chasing Dreams

Sehun had somehow persuaded him in this and when he was already standing by the door that led out of the school’s building and into the backyard, Luhan fiddled with his fingers once again in great anxiety. The memory of Chanyeol blurting his little secret was too fresh and the embarrassment was heavy over his shoulders. And he couldn’t but wonder if he hadn’t agreed to that and Baekhyun and Sehun would not have a reason to tell Chanyeol about it, would everything be better?

Probably not.

Nothing had changed that much; Luhan’s brain was still pondering over thoughts of Minseok and brown locks between his fingers and tastes he hadn’t tasted yet and all that also brought tears to his eyes when he faked asleep during the night. The lack of sleep became severe and Luhan would be able to take one or two naps of an hour throughout the day and night. And his daily dose of beer in the morning had turned into two cans and another one by nightfall. The cigarettes also steamed the small rundown apartment he lived at and one after the other, the orange buds met in the ashtray, pilling up one over the other when there was no left space for the new dead ones.

And above all, he had also picked up a habit he had cut off long ago—two years already; cutting. He would sport new scars under his long sleeves when he attended school but he would hide it well and the bandages were not noticeable and his tired eyes would glare under his black cap to whomever as much as attempted to touch his hands. He was slowly sliding back, trying to make a step ahead but always falling two steps short.

But Sehun had somehow convinced him in this and when Minseok finally appeared in the hall, Luhan walked to him with a blank expression and on auto-pilot. The atmosphere was tense to the point it physically hurt and pressured but Luhan ignored it. Instead, he leaned down to Minseok with a smile that he tried to copy from other times, but probably looked too broken.

“Can I talk to you?”

Minseok’s eyes tried to read him and Luhan did not bulge, letting the other take in his expression which he was sure was as charming as death at the moment. After all, there was a reason he hid his eyes, and his hair were styled that way to hide his thinned cheeks.

“Sure.”

Luhan’s hand stretched out to grab on the other’s wrist but he stopped mid-air, staring at his limp as if some sort of supernatural power held him from touching the other. Maybe it was, or maybe it was just his sanity that tried to protect him from future hurting. He let his hand drop to his side, straightening himself before a light smirk played on his lips. “Follow me.”

He could feel Baekhyun’s and Chanyeol’s judging looks from down the hall but he ignored both of them. However, he glanced at Sehun, his eyes just as worried as his but the smile on his face tried to give him courage. Luhan led Minseok outside, back to the bench they used every day, and he sat down before asking the other to do the same. Once seated, Luhan’s eyes wandered off and suddenly, he just wanted to run back inside.

While people were around them, it gave him a feeling that was equal of safety, of an illusion that he was protected—that his heart was protected in the mass. But now, they were the two of them and the closest student to them was at least twenty-five meters away from the shadowed corner. And not only that, the heavy atmosphere from the hall had followed them outside and now it sat even heavier over Luhan’s shoulders as if reminding him to get over with it.

He couldn’t.

He pulled his cigarette pack out of his pocket, placing one stick between his lips and lighting it with his lighter before placing them back in their places. And the deep inhale of nicotine filled his lungs and Luhan prayed to Gods he did not believe in to just kill him off now and save him from explaining himself. But they didn’t hurt him and Luhan was left to hurt like this instead.

“Did you ask me to follow you here to watch you smoke?” Minseok asked slightly annoyed, obviously lost and Luhan did not blame him at all. In fact, he blamed himself for being such a coward. Because he tried talking but that was futile when no words echoed in the silence. Seconds passed and they could almost hear an invisible clock tick over their heads, counting down the time that was left before the break ended and after a while, Minseok heaved a tired sigh. “If there’s nothing, I’m going back inside.” He stood up but he didn’t manage to make a step when Luhan grabbed on his arm, holding him in place and keeping himself on unsteady feet.

“Wait,” Luhan hadn’t expected himself to sound like this, it was almost another self of his, the one that was broken, hurt, hurried and worried and afraid came out. “I’ll say what I want to say.”

Minseok nodded his head, urging him and Luhan let go of his hold on him as if fire licked his palm. He puffed another breath of nicotine and when he talked, the white smoke left his lips along with the words, “You know… from the start of September I kind of… I have… I—“ Troubled, that was how he sounded to his own ears. Minseok kept staring at him, an unreadable expression, a façade and Luhan gave up. It was all or nothing, he had already started it and he could not take the words back, might as well finish what was meant to be left  unsaid.

“I have liked you since September and I know it sounds weird but… I wasn’t exactly planning to tell you like that the other day,” _Chanyeol has taken it too far, stretched it, and cut off my last chances of making you mine_. But that was silent, it was not meant to be said. Just like everything else he had said so far.

And as he waited for an answer, it didn’t arrive and they were left staring at one another, eyes locked and the cigarette between Luhan’s fingers slowly burning away and ash falling on the ground. Time stopped for the second time and Luhan would gladly prefer it to freeze like this forever—where he had said what he wanted and was neither rejected nor accepted, saving himself forever from humiliation.

But as much of a dreamer as he was, he was just as much a realist and time of course did not stop and the bell rang and they both flinched slightly at the break of the silence. And of course, the answer he waited did not come because it was more than obvious that Minseok was not like him and he was not planning to sacrifice everything for a random guy who popped up and confessed to him like this. He was not an idiot. However, Luhan was, and he was also a fool for making his heart beat so fast, waiting for a response that would surely not be the one he wanted to hear—the one he dreamed of during his short sleep.

“I have to go to class…”

Luhan’s jaw clenched, teeth hurting and he blinked away tears because, _God damn it_ , it hurt so much. He could feel his insides tear into pieces and burn into grey ash and he was standing there, watching the other as he moved uncomfortably from one foot to the other without being able to do something and save this sinking ship. He only forced a tight smile, no teeth and not reaching his eyes, entirely fake and just a cover up for his pained insides. “We should go…” He nodded to himself, afraid to move his head too fast in case the tears decided to spill and his eyes stared away. He could hear the footsteps of Minseok pull him away and Luhan felt a knot in his throat, keeping any saliva from going down and from any words to come out.

And for once, he wanted to scream for the other to stop and hear his reasons out and the rest of things he wanted to say and everything that he wanted to blurt but couldn’t because God forbid they were two guys and they were _wrong_. _This_ was _wrong_. What he felt was wrong and now, he had lost even the friendship they shared because he had acted on his feelings and blurry emotions and fuzzy heart and now, everything had collapsed.

For once, he appreciated the friendship they shared and he would kick himself to his grave because he wanted more but had lost the entire game instead.

**

Maybe it was an attempt to show that he was not really hurt, that his feelings were too innocent to actually pain his heart, that he walked across the field with sure footsteps. His face was hidden under his sleeveless jacket’s hood, glasses on and a scarf wrapped around his mouth and neck. His hands were tucked deep into the pockets, eyes staring ahead, narrowed and scanning for _him_.

And he found him with someone else, giggling and talking and laughing with _someone else_. Luhan wouldn’t lie, he couldn’t even try when his insides hurt so much. For Minseok was with someone else and he was smiling, happy and playful as if his poor confession hadn’t affected him the least. And maybe it hadn’t, maybe it was nothing to him. Maybe Luhan was yet another someone who would be forgotten by the end of the day.

That hurt. That hurt so much that Luhan wondered if his heart had actually broken in his chest.

The first person to notice him was not Minseok, of course. He was too busy with that someone else, joking, when someone else pointed out that a dark weird person was walking towards them, someone who had the potential of being a murderer and a cannibal at the same time—or either of them, whatever suited each.

“Who’s that?”

“Who?”

“Him.”

Luhan stopped on his tracks, a couple meters away when Minseok looked up and his eyes widened. “That’s Luhan,” He said as if it was a fact and he jogged close, a smile on his face, and Luhan felt himself feel suddenly so much happier. He had to remind himself that Minseok was just being nice enough to keep the slightest of their friendship alive and that this was not, in any way, acceptance of his feelings.  “What are you doing here?”

“I want to join the team.”

Minseok grinned widely, passing a hand around Luhan’s neck, bringing him lower and ahead, guiding him to the rest. “Welcome aboard, finally!”

Minseok had spent about two months already trying to persuade Luhan into joining the football team he was in. The excuse was that it was new and it needed new players and ever since he found out that Luhan had some rusty football skills, he had gone on and on about it. Luhan, however, had refused multiple times because, honestly, walking one and half hour a day was enough exercise for him when he ate so little and he also, apparently, had high blood pressure and his body liked to faint here and there in public places.

Thus, he didn’t really stand there because he wanted to be part of some random football team. He was standing there because he was trying to be close to Minseok when he knew their friendship was at stake. Stalking, in a sense. Forcing their friendship back, in another. He wasn’t exactly sure what the reason was but, he was there and the only thing he knew for sure was that he was not there because of a ball.

And, needless to say, his plan worked.

Through every fall and embarrassment, Luhan slowly grew on Minseok again—he could see it. Probably he was making a clumsy fool out of himself in the hope that Minseok would notice him and will laugh that adorable laugh, smile his cute gummy smile. Hoping that he would slowly ease and that was what he succeeded. Only two weeks in and Minseok was around him like before, smiling and giggling and hugging him while mumbling some another fall Luhan did and which he found funny one way or another.

Luhan would straight-up admit that this was more than he expected, a faster turn of events. But he wasn’t going to complain either. He and Minseok were back to being close friends, joking during school breaks and play-fighting when Sehun would invite them over (“If you break th—“ _crash_ “He did it!” “It was your idea!” “You both better clean that up right now!”). They were back to before, before _that_ , before Luhan made a grave mistake.

But he was beyond happy that he was given another chance to take back every single word he said but was not meant to be told. Maybe this time, he would start all over and make the right decisions and he would guide this in a different, better direction. That they would get a happy ending.

Luhan couldn’t but laugh at himself. Since when was he not stupid?

**

That night he had searched for company, he had craved for someone by his side, that night he needed someone there to see him broken and to help him forget.

Cans of beer littered his apartment, the garbage over-flowing from bottles of alcohol. The whole place stank, dirty and nasty and plain out awful and toxic to his nose. The nights would be longer since he would stay up longer before he had to fake-sleep when his mother would get in. And then, he would hear yells and muffles voices and crying and he was torn between staying put and silent, and saying something.

“Shut up!”

Muffled voices.

“I don’t care what you say!”

A sniffle.

“Leave me alone, you bastard.”

Something was thrown on the bedside table and Luhan cracked an eye open to see what’s up but the sudden light blinded him too much and he closed it back, swallowing a pained groan. More sniffles, a couple gasps; his mother was probably crying. He knew it was not wise of him to let her suffer on her own when he was right there, her only child available to offer her a warm hug, sweet words, two kisses.

He slowly sat up, cracking his eyes again and finding her form in front of the bedside table, head tilted down and with her back at him. He wouldn’t know she was crying if it wasn’t for her shaking form and the sniffles and the nose wiping—it wasn’t uncommon she would stand in one spot staring at something.

“Mom?” His voice was too thick and he could easily see how her form froze. “Are you okay?” Stupid question but it wasn’t like Luhan knew exactly what to say. His mother had always been a strong woman, one who could fight against the whole world and escape with just a couple scratches. Seeing her broken was rare, witnessing her crying was close to impossible—Luhan could name four times he saw her like this, one of them being just now.

“Go back to sleep, Luhan.” His mother muttered and Luhan felt something shake in his insides. He wasn’t even sure why she was pushing him off like this when he, obviously, was trying to help.

“Mom? What happened? Why are you crying? Is someth—“

“I said go back to sleep, Luhan!”

His jaw clenched and his eyes widened, brain functioning the whole situation a little faster than he would normally do. It was few times she had yelled at him like this, the feeling was foreign, that one that was lingering over both of them. It felt almost like some kind of awkwardness but Luhan wouldn’t exactly name it like that. Actually, he wasn’t sure how to name it.

“Please don’t cry…” Luhan mumbled lowly but it was enough to reach the woman’s ears and she turned, glaring at him under the wetness of her eyes, tears slipping down her face.

“Shut up! You aren’t even supposed to be here! You should have stayed with your father back in the town for all I care!” She sniffled, tears falling faster. “He can’t even come here because of you…”

The last mumble hurt more than everything else she said and Luhan’s eyes stared at her, wide and big, unsure whether he had heard right or not. He wasn’t even able to give any reply, he just sat there staring at her as if he was entirely lost. She turned away seconds later, swallowing more tears and walking to the small kitchen to grab another beer can from the fridge.

That was what had happened the previous night and today, Luhan had been anywhere but home. He didn’t really want to sit in there alone at the moment. So he stayed at Sehun’s after school ended for the day and later, they roamed about the streets, talking about random matters, holding on cans of beers and tucked packs of cigarettes in their pants. The moon had risen long ago and it shined perfectly down on the still buzzing city.

They didn’t know where exactly they were heading; they didn’t have a destination in mind. They just walked their thoughts out, sipping on alcohol and inhaling the humid air. At some point, from the corner of his eye, Luhan noticed Sehun pressing some buttons on his phone and plain curiosity made him take a longer glance and ask, “What are you doing?”

Sehun didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he tucked his phone back in his pocket, eyes rose to stare ahead and he took a sip of his beer, humming into the night. “Let’s go sit by the river”.

Luhan couldn’t understand the sudden thought or what was actually happening but he went along and the two of them ended up stepping down the little trail to the river’s bank, street lights lighting up the way. At the sight of a form, Luhan stopped on his tracks, hesitating to walk farther as he glanced at Sehun. “Who’s that?”

“Minseok,” Sehun gave him a look over his shoulder before continuing on his way, seemingly unaffected by the sudden confused male. “I told him he could join us. You don’t mind.” The second sentence sounded more like a fact and Luhan silently agreed.

“You should have told me.”

“You should have figured it out when you saw me on the phone.”

This was going nowhere so Luhan dropped the matter and caught up with the blonde again, both approaching the bench where a dark silhouette sat at.

“Oh hey!” Minseok looked up from his phone with a small smile, fingers pausing a game he had been playing while waiting for the duo.

Even the greeting felt hard to say right now. Honestly, Luhan didn’t want to see the brunette at this moment. He was too frustrated, too confused, hurt, betrayed, that he didn’t want to have him, of all people, witness him like this. Not when he felt so small in front of someone who was the cause of those feelings.

So he sat down with Sehun, Luhan in the middle because the blonde was being annoying, and gazed ahead as if all the questions would be answered by the flowing river. He’d missed the calm of the night so much and as it slowly came to him and swallowed him whole, Minseok stopped being a burden anymore—or maybe, the feelings Luhan felt for him were the burdens. There was something new in this silence and, with no doubt, Luhan loved it.

“Hey, Minseok?” Luhan asked into the sky, eyes staring at the shiny stars which seemed to glow at this part of the city. The silence was relaxing but there was something in him that had swollen and felt too big for his chest to bear. At the soft humming Luhan stole a glance at the brunette, pulling a deep drag from his cigarette and flickering it just enough for the ash to fall on the ground. “Have you… ever kissed a guy?”

The question lingered above them almost too heavily and neither of the three talked—Luhan had just said what he wanted to say, Sehun was not addressed in any way and he plainly continued smoking his cigarette, and Minseok was obviously progressing the question thrown at him. Luhan truly didn’t know what to feel or expect out of this.

At least he figured what that new something was—confidence.

“No.”

“Do you… want to try it?”

Luhan could almost feel his feet burning from walking on coals, on burning territory that was foreign to him. He was practically serving his previous confession of days ago on a plate to Minseok, waiting for him to reject him more bluntly than the first time. However, the response that came made his hand freeze mid-way as it rose for his face, cigarette barely touching his lips as he listened to Minseok voice the unexpected.

“…Why not?”

There was something that burst in Luhan’s chest and he almost felt a strange sensation run through his veins and sudden confidence blinded him as he flicked the cigarette ahead of him on the ground, not caring about where it would land in any way. He stood up from the bench, dusting his clothes off as his mind was still registering the answer which was neither a rejection nor an acceptance. Something in the middle, Luhan agreed on that with his mind. Taking a last glance of the dark sky, stars shining almost brighter now in his eyes, and he turned around, facing the sitting younger male. A smirk etched on the corners of his lips, a little mischievously, maybe, and he stepped closer to the brunette, placing a knee on the bench by Minseok’s thigh. He could feel Minseok’s eyes burn holes of curiosity and surprise on his face but he ignored him, his sudden confidence making him sure of every inch his body moved.

Having the younger trapped between his knee and his leg that pressed against the brunette’s legs, Luhan leaned down and stared under heavy eyelids. There was a tint of alcohol in every thought he made and there was the scent of cigarette smoke that lingered off of him. The mix was almost ethereal to him and he felt like he could do the impossible, and he was right.

Holding gently the side of Minseok’s face, he forced the other to look at him and when their eyes met, Luhan felt like so many unsaid words had been just voiced. And when he leaned in, placing his lips numbly against Minseok’s, he could feel his body tremble. This was what he had been dreaming of, wondering, hoping. And the day had come and his heart felt like bursting into pieces just by having their lips pressed against one another.

Luhan moved a little, pressing their lips before parting them and licking the texture of Minseok’s, asking for permission. Minseok responded faster than he had firstly hoped and before he knew it, Luhan was tasting something he had wondered the taste of for _months_. It was sweet, it was new, it was forbidden. But at the same time so familiar.

With a swift move Luhan slipped on Minseok’s lap without breaking the kiss and his hands snaked around Minseok’s neck, body pressing against his and he could feel every part of Minseok—which should of made him flustered, not this excited. Minseok’s hands held on his sides, fingers grabbing on his ribs and holding him in place when Luhan’s legs squeezed Minseok’s body. The mere feeling awakened something in Luhan which he was both afraid and eager to discover and explore further. Whatever it was.

“What time is it?”

There was a distant question Luhan didn’t pay much attention to, not judging it important enough for him to stop tasting the addictive taste and answer something that useless. Luckily, Minseok shared the same thoughts. That or Luhan’s grip on him was too restrictive.

“I like it how I get no answer.”

Luhan pulled back a bit, laughing right into Minseok’s face because God forbid he had just done something impossible and made a dream of his into part of reality, and having completed such an achievement felt like he had just become unbreakable. Something akin to an unstoppable God, one who could achieve anything because he had touched the untouched and kissed the un-kissable.

But Minseok laughed along and both of them stared at one another, and for a moment there Luhan felt like what they had was more than just friendship. And whatever it was Luhan would surely build it into a relationship however he could, try whatever he could. He would make Minseok his if it’d be the last thing he accomplished in this forsaken planet.

“I think I reached another high-score,” Sehun sighed, showing Minseok’s phone on which he had been playing a game, showing his six digit score and wearing a dull expression.

“You want a smoke?” Luhan asked, slipping out of Minseok’s lap and as the younger’s hands slid down his sides and hips, he felt so empty all of a sudden. He pulled his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, offering it to Sehun, who took it far too eagerly if Luhan had to add. In a sense, it was a payment for being there, for stopping him when he was close to jumping over edges and running over limits. For putting up with his gay tendencies and at the same time keeping his indifference to the minimum.

Sehun was a great friend. Luhan had noted even before that night.

They smoked a couple more cigarettes, drank the last sips of their beers, enjoyed the silence and the stars some more before it was too late and Minseok had to go home. Luhan jumped giddily all the way to Minseok’s home where they dropped him off and spent the rest way to Sehun’s place talking about the kiss and how it had made him feel and how he was so happy.

Sehun merely shook his head at him, but smiled nonetheless.

**

Luhan had never felt hatred for someone. He always believed that hate was a very strong word, much like love, and he rarely used it—and when he did, it would never be addressed to a person. There was something that awaked in his chest whenever he saw Chanyeol, though.

One had to be blind as to not see the distance Luhan had obviously been keeping from the taller male, avoiding him at any costs. The words they shared were few and very scarce, a “good morning” here, a “where’s Baekhyun” there. It was also pretty obvious that Luhan had kept a grudge on him for blurting out his crush to Minseok with the worst way ever. And as much as he had tried to forget the incident, call it a mistake, he knew it was not something Chanyeol did by accident.

Chanyeol knew that it was wrong, bad even, and he had made sure to point it out whenever Luhan was around.

“Minseok’s not like that.”

“He doesn’t like boys.”

“He’s straight.”

“Minseok’s not like _you_.”

Their greetings had turned into stares and whenever Sehun would hint something with a wink to Luhan once he noticed Minseok was around, Chanyeol would glare and continue on his judging looks and critical words. “He’s not like you.”

Granted, Luhan accepted the words, showing little interest to them and no reaction whatsoever. But inside his head, he was mocking Chanyeol to infinity because if Minseok was truly, _really_ straight like the tall young man liked to insist he was, he wouldn’t have tried anything out of that straight bubble Chanyeol tended to build around the brunette. And Luhan’s insides were burning to yell at him that _your precious straight friend kissed a guy, deal with the fact he’s not that normal as you make him_ but he knew better than that.

The secret was not his. Or, maybe, not _entirely_ his. After all, it takes two to play a game and in their case it just so happened to have a third person who was more of a witness to remind Luhan that he had not dreamed yet another dream of him being intimate with Minseok—even if his dreams never stopped there.

Minseok also appeared a little hesitant whenever Chanyeol would glare at Luhan and as much as he tried to not make much of it, Luhan felt like the thing that had become their secret was so much more precious than blurting it to someone like Chanyeol—at least in Luhan’s opinion. Minseok would often glance at him, an unreadable expression on his face but eyes speaking novels about everything they had seen and anything his heart had felt. And Luhan spoke back that way and they were both found smiling secretly and sneakily touching one another. Their constant hugging was not left unnoticed by Chanyeol and Baekhyun, though, and both had a fair share of questions and comments.

“Alright, what’s wrong with you and Minseok?”

Luhan was currently cornered at the wall of one of the hallways, the last bell having rang a while ago and most of the students having already left. Baekhyun was standing by Chanyeol, a big difference in their heights but both showing an equally annoyed expression. Sehun had been standing just a little further, staring at Luhan with slightly wide eyes, widening them as if to signal something Luhan could not grasp.

Luhan, though, knew as a fact that he could not stand silent either, as much as he wished he could. He didn’t know what to say; _we kissed and Minseok probably feels awkward about that and doesn’t want anyone to know about it so I can’t really tell you we kissed, oh and Sehun was there_. It’d bring more questions and Luhan was sure Minseok would hate him forever if he was to blurt something as sensitive as that kind of topic when Minseok had been—pretty much until a week ago—straight.

“What do you mean?” He asked unsure, his voice a little weak because he honestly didn’t have any confidence in his words at the moment. He was cornered yet again like a wild animal, expected to blurt words he shouldn’t. Luhan felt like laughing about the fact that whenever he felt like this, Chanyeol just so happened to be present.

“There’s obviously something going on,” Chanyeol talked with exasperation, almost appearing sick of trying to figure what was actually up, unlike Baekhyun who seemed less excited about the topic, but still equally interested. “Sehun’s been sending hints, Minseok’s been sending hints, _you’ve_ been sending too. There’s something between you two and I am sick of you three hiding something from us. I thought we were friends.”

_No, we’re not friends. Never had been and never will and therefore, I have no obligation in telling you everything._ But Luhan bit his tongue, swallowing the poison and trying to find safer words. Ironically he had close to none to spare.

“You shouldn’t push him,” Sehun piped in, attempting to save Luhan and the brunette was beyond thankful for even the slightest of support. “He probably doesn’t want to tell you and he doesn’t have to in the first place.”

“Sehun, you have no right to talk,” Chanyeol hissed, glaring at the mentioned boy now. “You’re in the same pit as him and I really thought we shared everything.”

“Sehun just happened to be there,” Luhan tried but Chanyeol’s eyes made him shut his mouth.

“It’s okay that it’s between you and Minseok, see if I care. But Sehun knows too and I and Baekhyun as left in the dark,” He crossed his arms over his chest, a deep frown over his piercing eyes. “I wouldn’t mind if it was only between you and Minseok but to hide something from only me and Baek, that’s shady.”

Luhan gritted his teeth, trying to will words away, but they escaped nonetheless. “Sehun was there, neither I nor Minseok told him. If you were there as well, you would have known.”

“We weren’t even invited that night,” Chanyeol retorted and Baekhyun grimaced lightly.

“Seriously, it’s unfair when three fifth know what’s up when we have no whatsoever clue.”

“So, _talk_.”

Chanyeol stared at him expectedly and Luhan’s nervous eyes drifted to Sehun, silently asking for help when he already knew that it was either that he told them or they did the same to Minseok until one of them cracked—because they knew Sehun wouldn’t. When he was about to silently beg with his eyes the blonde, he caught sight of Minseok walking towards them and a stir of worry cut through him.

“Oh, good. Minseok come here,” Chanyeol lured him close with a hand.

“What is going on?” Minseok’s confused eyes fell on the tallest of the four, then at Baekhyun, at Sehun and lastly at the cornered Luhan against the wall. He wasn’t sure of what was going on but he could read the mood and it was anything but nice.

“What happened between you and Minseok that Sehun knows about but I and Baekhyun have no idea of?”

The question was nicely put and Luhan could see the other’s secret’s half’s eyes widen slightly, probably memories of what had happened rushing through his mind like a wild river. And the same images appeared in Luhan’s mind as well and when the two of them looked at each other, both were unsure of what to say.

“So?”

Luhan sent a silent question to Minseok with his eyes, trying to pass the message but the addressed male paid no attention to it, or him for the matter. Instead, he stared at Chanyeol and Baekhyun with an emotionless expression.

 “We kissed.”

The dead silence was heavy and Luhan’s eyes widened in shock, wondering why on Earth—and how—Minseok could just say something like this. It was no secret that his parents were strict and if they heard something like that had happened, the whole world would be damned and Luhan would probably get skinned alive. It didn’t help a bit that Chanyeol was unpredictable and whatever came from his mouth was often on impulse and in attempts of hurting at least one person.

“…Kissed?” Baekhyun repeated and Chanyeol had been struck frozen. From what Luhan could make out, it was probably because he had the little bubble of reassurance that Minseok was not that kind of guy when he had been kissing males behind his back, all the while he’d been trying to save him from… well, Luhan.

“Sehun was there and he saw us,” Minseok shrugged, trying to make the matter as light as possible. “It just happened but it’s not that important.”

There was a shuttering sound; something broke into million pieces, crumpling on the ground and echoing against the walls of the mostly empty school. But only Luhan could hear it. And he was sure it was something in his chest that had stopped working.

_Right… Not important._


	5. Burying Ruins

_Not important._

That phrase had been haunting his day and nights. Every hour of the goddamn day he would be reminded of the mere combination of those two words that made him hate them so much. Two words, talked by the wrong person, at the wrong timing, for the wrong situation. Everything kept pointing at how wrong this was and Luhan felt like he wanted something to lash out on, maybe bite on cold hard metal just to bring himself back to reality.

The first crack was when he grabbed the razor, the second when he slid it against his skin, the third when he watched the blood poor in small drops, falling from his sickly white skin—he hadn’t been under the sun for so long. There was satisfaction in the pain, but it was too little and he needed more, and the fourth crack was when the knuckles of his hand collided with the white wall. The fifth was when his bloodied hand punched the wall, blood falling in forms of droplets at the sudden movements.

The blood slid, the knuckles turned red, the pain was too much on both hands, and the white wall had traces of scarlet. But Luhan kept punching the wall and when his limps hurt too much to hit the concrete, Luhan took a step away.

Only then did he notice the tears pouring from his eyes, sliding down his face just like the blood kept sliding down his wrist, the inside of his hand and till the end of his fingers just to fall off from the tips. There was more satisfaction in this; the mental pain turned into physical, some sort of self-defense to keep his sanity intact.

Maybe he hadn’t been of the strongest out there. In fact, he wasn’t. He appeared tough, strong, confident. But, in reality, he was just a lost puppy in a desert trying to find its way back home. And he was lost. He was so lost that he could see the horizon like a never-ending sea, questions about where he was _supposed_ to go and where he _should_ go popped up but there was literally nothing to answer them. Because Luhan was too weak to decide for himself and he was too much of a fool to guide his own feet to safety.

He was in need of someone who could help him out. And who was better than his old dear friends, who had managed to help him through years and years already?

That Friday he had hopped on a train, putting on his earplugs and listening to music as the scenery flashed by him at high speed—that weekend would be spent at his hometown. It hadn’t taken much convincing for Luhan’s father to agree on a sleepover because the man had missed his son and Luhan was quickly in the first train to his home right after school ended for the day. He’d even downloaded a couple episodes of a random drama just for the sake of watching something—which he ended up not doing because he fell asleep after nights of uneasy sleep.

When he woke up, it was hours later and he was already nearing the station. He wondered if it was the apartment that he could not get a good night’s sleep because, weirdly enough, he had missed such deep slumber. Even if he had fallen asleep sitting in an uncomfortable chair and his neck was sore, it was still the best nap he’d had for a good while now.

The walk to his former house was not long and Luhan would have paid a visit to his best friend’s house, that was on his way there, if it wasn’t for the time being past ten in the night. However, as soon as he was at his house and after having greeted his father, talked about his news to him and got caught up in his father’s, he shut himself in his old room and picked up his phone. That night he sent out messages to all of his friends, asking for help which came as subtly as ever and just in a form of _I’m back, let’s go out tomorrow_.

The reply was fast; _Welcome back! I know where we can go_.

**

There was something in the scent of cigarette and the taste of alcohol that had made Luhan’s decisions a little bit edgy, risky even. But, because of those two same things, he couldn’t refuse the pure want for self-destruction, the need of self-punishment. He knew he deserved it for aiming too high in expectations only to bury himself face-first into the dirt.

Somehow, he had also lost track of his best friends when he wandered off and although he should be kind of worried, he couldn’t think of anything else but the slick tongue in his mouth.

There was this warmth that made Luhan’s body react funnily and his eyes had shut close and although he should be wondering how his non-existent flirting skills had actually affected the young woman, his mind was far away from that. Maybe she had just pitied him as he staggered his way towards her, whispering some slurred and a bit hyped words because next thing he knew, she’d pulled him by his hand away from the small yard in the fronts of the forest’s trees and guided him to the nearest small restroom.

Frankly, Luhan had followed, a bit shaken by the turn of events because goddamn it, this was _not_ what he originally had in mind. While his heart kept screaming to go, to leave, that doing something further than placing a kiss on an unknown woman’s lips was already considered cheating, his brain only reminded him that there was no one he could cheat on in the first place. Before he could even wish to do that, he had not to be _not important_ to that person he loved.

And Luhan let the woman guide him into the women’s restroom. In mere seconds the door was closed and their lips collided into heated kisses and, honestly, Luhan could feel himself become desperate. His hands clung on the woman’s sides, his body pushing into hers and as the heat of her body traveled to him, he could feel need pilling in him.

The need to _forget_.

The woman, her name something along the lines of Yejin, if tipsy Luhan remembered correctly enough, pushed him against the wall of the spacy restroom, the bricks aching against his back from the force. He couldn’t care less about where they were; a public restroom in a forest’s opening with hundreds of people celebrating a festival beyond its door. He forced the music away and the happy screams of outside, his senses taking in Yejin as if it was the only way he could hold onto his sanity for just a little longer. It probably _was_ the only way.

However, his confident image broke down when he felt hands sliding down his chest, fingers reaching the waistband of his jeans and he froze. His hands grabbed on the woman’s, eyes opening and widening as he looked at her in shock. This was getting out of his control and he was starting to panic just the tiniest in his head.

“I-I’m…” His voice trailed off and the older woman glanced at him in question. The embarrassment was too much, much more than Luhan expected it to be after that amount of alcohol. “I haven’t… I’m a—“ He couldn’t say it, he shut his mouth closed and stared at her, wondering if it would be of an appropriate time to slip out of the restroom and join his friends who were who knows where.

The woman, though, smiled a little mischievously. “That’s okay,” She cooed, her voice low and inviting. Her hand slowly slid out of his grip and was placed back on his waistband. “I can always teach you, don’t be afraid,” Her fingers pulled on his belt, slowly undoing it and Luhan felt his heart pump faster because, honestly, he expected her to laugh in his face. He had been acting like a dog in heat and she was still willing to keep him legit in her book.

“It’ll be fun.”

It wasn’t.

At every touch Luhan’s nerves would tense and images would flick behind his closed eyelids, flashing brightly in contrast with the pure black and he felt almost sick from the dizziness. So, he kept his eyes open when he could; that way postponing the appearance of those images, the images of a round face with a gummy smile and big beautiful eyes. But when the brunette did not appear in front of his eyes, a voice kept whispering into his ears about how wrong this was, to use someone just because you suffered mentally due to someone else. It was sick and Luhan knew it, but he couldn’t reject yet another chance of moving past Minseok. Maybe, when this would be over, Luhan would think back and feel more regret in doing this than loving someone like Minseok.

The caresses were soft and gentle and Luhan kept shaking his head once in a while when unwanted images would pop up. And as much of a virgin he was, he knew what he was supposed to do, and he _couldn’t_. His eyes were unfocused and his body did not react well and it was him who gave up in the end, tears pooling in his eyes when he felt more like garbage. His chance was lost and he was left humiliated in front of the elder woman who let go of him and pulled her own clothes over her nude body. There was some accusation, some awkwardness, a little bit of regret, and much of guilt over them in the spacy restroom and Luhan had to build his lost dignity from scratch just to apologize to the woman for making things turn out like this.

“Don’t worry, it happens,” the woman waved his apology away and Luhan felt more hurt. Honestly, he would prefer it if she just accepted it and did not answer at all. “How old are you anyway?”

Luhan bit on his bottom lip, talking with a slightly muffled voice, “Sixteen.”

Yejin shot him a wide-eyed look. “That’s much younger than I expected, even with a face like yours,” Luhan tried to smile it off, he couldn’t. It probably turned out into a grimace because the woman’s eyes looked away in sudden shame. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it the bad way.”

In Luhan’s opinion, there was no bad and good way in what she said, he wasn’t this shaken by that to begin with. At the moment, he just wanted to take a shovel and dig his own grave just to see whether _that_ would help him forget. Most likely not. He’d be left to think of Minseok every time he closed his eyes and if he fell dead, he’s be lost in an illusion of the brunette for eternity, until his soul wore off because of the passing centuries. He’d think of him till the end of time, every second, minute, till the world came to a stop.

Only then did it hit him that to forget, he had to do something more than this. He had to destroy his insides before he could make himself fade. He had to kill himself inside out so that he would be able to at least glimpse at the calmness and peace he was frantically aiming for.

That was the reason he was found over the toilet bowl throwing everything out the next days. He had taken a break from eating, he hadn’t put anything but water and maybe a bit orange juice the past few days, and he’d also force himself to vomit every night. Tears would stream his face the night but the break of the new day would find him sipping a can of beer and smoking cigarettes, one after the other. He was fuming like a chimney and his clothes stank of the smoke so much that he wondered if his classmates would suffocate because of him in the short future.

But, he wouldn’t even try to deny it, there was something so, _so_ satisfying in destroying his body and soul. There was something that made him calmer, content even, when his body would feel too heavy and his breath would hitch at just a couple meters walked and how his stomach ate away its walls in hunger. After the third day, the hunger stopped.

The second weekend Luhan visited his father, he was met with a side of him which was so lethargic that he had no want to even greet his father. He had just nodded at him, hearing him go on and on about how he was happy to have his son back again and how he missed him and his mother. He hadn’t even reacted when his father placed a hand on his back, patting him and telling him how one had heard from someone who had seen him and that woman, Yejin, leave together towards the restrooms during that festival. Luhan spared no emotion whatsoever about the matter, he just stared ahead, the feeling of embarrassment raising under his skin when his father exclaimed something about his little son not being that little anymore. Luhan was listening, but chose not to reply. Actually, he didn’t want to, he felt too tired.

That was what he had been feeling for so long; tired. Tired of chasing after Minseok, tired of fighting with his mother, tired of living in a city he hated, tired of being away from the most important people in his life. He was just tired of everything, he was just tired of living. Breathing alone took so much energy from him and he wondered how good it’d feel when he wouldn’t have to do that anymore.

How would that kitchen knife feel propped in his guts?

Luhan’s wet eyes stared at the knife as if it was the first time he’d seen something like this, as if he was a baby not allowed to touch something like that in case he hurt himself. It was something fascinating about the thin tip and the side that could cut through food. There was something that made it look so peaceful, as if it was the ticket to the heaven he was searching so desperately for—not the heaven most people wished to end up in when dead, it was his own heaven that would take away worries and both mental and physical pain, one that would let him close his eyes and welcome a peaceful sleep without being reminded of everything that was going wrong in his life.

The knife felt heavy in his hand, the weak grip on it allowed it to tilt slightly with the tip pointing the floor. It fit his hold so well that he wondered if it had always been like this or if his mind was noticing it just now. He raised his hand, eyes staring at the shiny side, his form reflected on the metal, wondering _how_ _it’d_ _feel_.

How would it feel when the knife would stab his skin? His flesh? How would it feel to bleed out until death took him? How would it feel to stare at the small kitchen under heavy eyelids as he approached the light of eternal happiness? And more importantly, would he have the shortest peace just before he died? Would he not think of Minseok then, when life was draining from him like a turned on faucet? When everything would become blurry and his heart would beat fast in worry of the unknown, would he _still_ think of Minseok?

His mind laughed at his thoughts. Yet, a part of him knew the answer to that; most likely, _yes_.

He couldn’t lie to himself, why would dying make him stop thinking of the brunette when his whole day and night revolved around him? When the hours he’d spend staring at the ceiling waiting for sleep to take over him, he’d think of him and everything he wanted to live but couldn’t. And when he’d finally fall asleep, the nights when he would not dream of darkness, he’d dream of Minseok, and scenarios of when he was awake would take form and color right behind his eyelids. To a dream so distant and so wanted that he would wake up with the strange emotions of the sleep only to be greatly disappointed.

After all, he was living through his dreams. Reality was no place for him anyway.

**

It had all come down to the night he had sat with Sehun and Minseok at the former’s brother’s small apartment, talking about different matters and joking about whatever when Luhan suddenly blurted about Yejin. There was a part of him that wanted to take back the small hint he’d thrown at Sehun and Minseok before it was too late. Another, a pretty bigger one compared to the first, insisted that it was already too late.

“What..?” came Sehun’s confused voice and Luhan gulped the awkwardness away, eyes throwing subtle glances at Minseok who was staring at the cell phone in his hands, pressing buttons as he played a game.

Then, curiosity won him over and, frankly, this was a good enough situation to check about where he stood for Minseok; if he was worried about Luhan, if he cared, if he was hurt, jealous, anything. Luhan just wondered if he could pull out a reaction from the brunette and, all of a sudden, lying was not that bad of an option after all.

“Well, I met this woman at the festival in my hometown and I kind of hit on her and we, like, went to the restroom and, well, we did stuff,” Luhan was never a good liar, he even knew it himself. Sehun’s interest, however, was enough to prove him that his words sounded at least a bit legit. So, he decided to stretch it a little further, “We went into the whole thing and we kind of spent a lot of time in there. When we got out, it was pretty late and my friends were pretty annoyed that I had disappeared.”

There was a dose of truth but it was mainly lies. It hadn’t taken that long, they hadn’t gone that far and, even if his friends were annoyed he’d ditched them, they just laughed about the fact that Luhan had gotten someone to fuck before them. It was kind of cruel but it was still half lies, and truth was more than just twisted and turned to Luhan’s advantage. With that said, he shot another glance at Minseok, not finding any emotion on his face. The only thing he noticed was how the brunette had stopped pressing buttons and he’d probably lost the game but never started it again. Luhan wasn’t sure whether he’d been listening or was just shocked that feminine little Luhan had gotten some action. It was just that; the sight of Minseok frozen in place, eyes pinned on the small cell phone screen, and Luhan wondering whether it was any sign of jealousy or not.

Probably not.

Wasn’t he someone _not important_ to Minseok, after all?

“Woah…” Sehun breathed out amazed, eyes shining in amusement. “I wouldn’t have expected something like that from you, considering you’re gay.”

“I’m bi,” Luhan pointed out matter-of-factly. “I don’t care what gender you are as long as you’re nice.”

“But… weren’t you, like, into Minseok?” Sehun asked and Luhan forced a chuckle, attempting to laugh off the matter just like every time his little big crush came up in a conversation. It served as an inside joke in their small group of friends now.

“It doesn’t mean I can’t have fun,” Luhan smirked with a knowing look in his eyes even if his brain disagreed with his words entirely. And ironically enough, he couldn’t have fun because of that same reason—his crush was too big, too hurtful to even _think_ of someone else other than Minseok. It physically pained him to fantasize someone else by his side when his heart yearned for a particular person.

“Well, you’re not that innocent anymore, are you?” Sehun half-joked, a smirk on his face as he lightly elbowed Luhan in his ribs. “You little sneaky thing you.”

Luhan didn’t hear any further that Sehun seemed to sprout. His eyes were too busy studying the unmoving form of Minseok’s, his blank stare and expressionless face. Somehow, it made him feel guilty and as if he was the bad guy of the whole case.

**

The people in Luhan’s life had decreased dramatically ever since he moved to the new big city. Most of them were left behind him when he packed his things and entered his mother’s car and very, very less people replaced them, leaving a pit of emptiness in their former places. Some, Luhan was not that happy meeting; Chanyeol happened to belong into this category. For some others, Luhan had mixed thoughts such as Baekhyun and Minseok since his feelings for both changed fast as day came and went. There were also people he was glad to meet, Sehun being the first and Kris ranked just below him.

Luhan had met Kris by accident. Kris’ brother was in the football team he and Minseok were in, and give Luhan three weeks, he was close enough to Hyunseung to invite him over to his house. There, Luhan happened to meet Kris for the first time and little did he know then that the tall blonde, a little scary and pretty intimidating guy, would be of the best friends he’d ever meet in his lifetime.

Kris turned out to be wise, pure in his words and not quite as terrifying Luhan had originally thought. Instead, he was warm-hearted and nice, a person who gave perfect advice and would listen to Luhan’s constant ramblings about whatever topic he had at the given moment; food, studies, heterosexuality, animals. They could talk for hours and Luhan liked that the most. He could finally find solace in someone else. Kris was something he lacked the past year or so and he loved it how talking to him was so easy and how trusting him seemed to be the right thing to do.

And right it was.

Whenever Luhan felt like it, a call to the elder would be enough to have that hour of peace. They would walk around all the streets, munch on chocolate together or drink sodas, comment on passerby’s or play-stalk strangers. The blonde was fun to be around, great to talk to, perfect to advise. With Kris, a piece of Luhan stuck back together and it felt so nice to have someone so close to him again. The parts Sehun could not fill, Kris overshadowed.

“And did he say anything?”

Luhan stared at the trees around them, munching on his lower lip as the memory of a frozen Minseok burned in his mind. The first thing he’d told Kris when he saw him in the distance was “I want your opinion” and less than thirty minutes later they were sitting on a bench in the nearest park, the night over them dark. He had blurted every single detail, lies included, and he wanted something to come out of Kris’ mouth now that he needed it the most.

He was running in circles with no conclusion in his mind.

“No, he didn’t,” Luhan glanced at Kris and then back at the grassy ground. “He was probably grossed-out, I guess. Or wasn’t paying attention to me in the first place.”

Kris hummed in though, a minute of silence lingering above them and Luhan found it more soothing than he’d expect.

“I think he was jealous.”

That caught Luhan’s attention and his eyes quickly averted at the blonde, question written all over his expression. “Why would he be jealous?”

“Well,” Kris started, a shrug of his broad shoulders and he was looking ahead just like Luhan had been doing the whole while he was telling his little story. “You have been running around him like a hyper puppy, doing whatever he wants, giving whatever he wants whenever he wants. To watch you drift away from him and do something that does not involve him or _is_ for him,” he shrugged once more “is probably making him feel neglected.”

“I am not doing whatever he wants. And I don’t run around him like a hyper puppy.”

Kris snorted, rolling his eyes and eyeing him with a playful smirk. “It’s just that you haven’t noticed that yourself. From a third party, you’re as clingy as a baby monkey.”

Luhan grimaced at the comparison. He didn’t like it. He wasn’t even sure if what Kris said was true, and not something that he would say only to pick on his nerves. Luhan wanted to believe that he was just teasing him about something that had become as good as an inside joke now. “You’re lying.”

Kris huffed softly. “You never let anyone read what you write, yet Minseok has read at least one of your poems. You never draw something for someone else, but you’ve given at least two drawings to Minseok. You never let anyone on your phone, but you let Minseok play games on it whenever he asks you to. Actually, he doesn’t even ask you anymore, he just takes it from your hands. You even give him a massage when he asks you.”

“Fine,” Luhan grimaced at the blonde. “I get it, I act a little like a servant.”

“He has you whipped and you’re not even in a relationship,” Kris commented thoughtfully, humming a bit in amusement. “I wonder how much more whipped you’d be if you were actually together.”

“No one’s ever going to know,” Luhan muttered lowly, sighing. It was a fact and just because he might have already accepted it, it didn’t mean it was any less painful to know.

“On a side note, how are things with your mother?” Kris eyed him. “Have you stopped getting into arguments?”

“Nope,” Luhan’s lips made a popping sound as he leaned ahead on his propped hands, legs swinging back and forth like a little child. “If anything, it’s getting more frequent.”

“Just wait it out, it’ll be better.”

Kris would always say the same and Luhan would always nod, sighing and willing the conversation on that topic to end there. There was always something silent, a _“I wish I could do something about it”_ from Kris, a _“I wish you could”_ from Luhan. A lot of words would linger and they would speak through the quietness, neither opening their mouths or glancing at one another, yet knowing exactly what the other was thinking about. They knew what the other had to say and they knew whatever they felt and thought would be received by the other as well.

Silent, secret, much like a lot of things in Luhan’s current life.

**

One thing Luhan would admit, other than his enslaving love for Minseok, was that he had a lot of problems. Frankly, he had never met someone as problematic as he and he actually wondered if there actually _was_ someone as twisted as he was. There should be worse than him, but he knew that he was already pretty extreme himself. He had a lot of issues and one of the deadliest to him would be his lack of any anger management.

Luhan tried to live a peaceful life, especially after his fights with his mother had become too tiring and too loud to the point that he would keep his mouth shut or would avoid crowds of people and a lot of sounds. However, given the right moment and a reason—even if it was a simple one—and he would be burning down anyone that would cross his path.

His old friends had seen him only once during nine years of knowing him in a crazy state. It took only a little less than six months for Chanyeol to pull that dreaded self out of him.

“What time is it?”

Luhan and Sehun patted their pockets on instinct, searching for their cell phones since both never actually wore any kind of watches around their wrists—too irritating in Luhan’s opinion, not to mention a bit useless when you had everything in your cell phone; which Luhan could not find and Sehun ended up pulling his out and telling Baekhyun the time as he read it off the screen. Luhan’s face, though, paled and his hands did not stop patting every single part of his outfit in search for the device, which was nowhere on him.

“Where’s my phone?” Luhan asked with a hint of panic in his voice. He honestly had no money to buy a new one, needless to say that that phone carried far too many memories of his past through old photos. He had already lost memories this way twice, he wasn’t fond of it happening for another time. “Did you see it?”

“No,” Sehun frowned slightly. “Did you leave it on your desk? Maybe you forgot it on—“ He stopped mid-way when Luhan turned around and jogged for their classroom.

The panic was travelling through his veins and he rushed into his classroom in a frenzy. He ran to his desk, ignoring the half-surprised half-interested stares of his classmates’, and looked everywhere possible—under books, in his bag, under his desk, _between_ books. But he was met with nothing and by then, his heart was pumping so much blood to his brain that he wondered how his skull had not burst yet.

The bell over his head rang, indicating another class—which Luhan and Sehun had none off—and students disappeared into their respective classrooms yet something in Luhan started boiling. Anger, hatred, adrenaline. Something so powerful that made his sight red and his irises became smaller, darker, more dangerous. The room suddenly felt too hot for him to breathe and his inhales became short and labored, more like forced exhales and loud pulls of air.

His mind was blank, there was something blinding him and pulling every single nerve, slowly and torturously. In his mind, there was silence, only drops of a broken faucet echoed as they fell, each thought that was left aside and every human emotion he carried. There was something wrapping him and suffocating him to slow death.

“Calm down,” came a voice by him. Turning around, Luhan was met face to face with Sehun. “It’s just a phone.”

Time was ticking, something was ready to explode, and Luhan was sure that it would be anything but safe to have someone else around him. Sehun was in no fault here—at least he thought so—and he did not deserve to have himself get hurt because someone had no control over themselves. In fact, he deserved nothing but Luhan’s appreciation and admire after going through so much and listening to so much more the past months. It wouldn’t be fair if Luhan repaid him with anger.

However, someone else could be just as much a culprit.

Luhan’s eyes averted at Baekhyun as soon as the shorter male entered the classroom. Something in his gaze made the curly-haired step back out of the room and Luhan only crossed the distance himself, nearing the younger like a predator was cornering its prey.

“Where is it?” His words were sharp, low-spoken, a hinted threat just below them.

“I swear I didn’t take it!” Baekhyun raised his hands up in defense and, for once, Luhan actually noticed uncertainty in the always-confident brunette. It felt nice to see that he was intimidating. But it also felt so wrong when Baekhyun’s reaction seemed so sincere.

Taking a step back, Luhan’s eyes glared away into thin air and his hand rose so fast and collided with the metal door with an ear-breaking _bam_. Pain trailed through his knuckles but the fist remained against the door, the sound echoing down the empty halls, and Luhan closed his eyes shut to concentrate on the pain rather than his anger—it worked to some degree.

That was until something sparked in his mind; the memory of Chanyeol playing with the ends of his jacket less than an hour ago.

The same hatred seeped back and Luhan took off without notice, hearing the distant “where are you going?” and “what are you doing?” from both Baekhyun and Sehun coming from behind him. But he could hear their steps shortly after and he wondered if there was a chance he’d turn on them in his hazed state.

His legs led him down the hall to Chanyeol’s classroom from which said male and Minseok emerged. Even from meters away, Luhan could see the mischievous smirk on Chanyeol’s face and that alone made his pace much faster. And before anyone could react and just as Sehun barely managed to shout a “wait!”, Luhan grabbed the taller male by the throat, pushing him back and pinning him against the wall with all his strength. His fingernails dug into his neck’s skin and Luhan glared into the wide eyes of the brunette with secret pleasure coursing through his veins. It felt so pleasing he almost loved the feeling of astonished and scared Chanyeol.

“Where is it?” Luhan hissed through clenched teeth and the taller pulled the device to him almost too quickly, unable to give any vocal reply when fingers were carved into his flesh. Luhan grabbed the phone from him, checking to see if it was working and then tucked it safely into his pocket before glaring back at the taller. “You’re lucky that freaking door took all of my anger or you’d be missing some teeth.”

“Hey! What do you think you are doing there?!” Luhan didn’t as much as glanced at the source of the voice, knowing by default whose it was; the principal. “You! Get away from my student, punk! What do you think you’re doing to him?!”

Luhan’s eyes kept a steady glare at Chanyeol’s still-wide eyes. “Be sure there won’t be any next times or I won’t hesitate, you hear me?” he hissed before releasing the other’s neck and taking a step back. When Chanyeol leaned in to catch a normal breath, Luhan wrapped an arm around his neck, a smile on his face, as he faced the principal. “We’re just playing, madam! We’re friends!”

The woman was not convinced, she pushed Luhan and Minseok out of that school’s region while Sehun and Baekhyun followed obediently behind, listening to the rant the old woman went on and on about how children these days were so violent and other stuff Luhan didn’t bother to hear. Needless to say that Sehun and Baekhyun glanced Luhan’s way warily, probably surprised with the animal that had woken up in their friend of months now. And when Luhan glanced Minseok’s way, the younger was legitimately afraid of him.

His phone was untouched and therefore, all those memories which were held in the photographs of him and his old friends were just like before. He’d lost trust from three but kept the memories of four and, for Luhan, that was a win.


	6. Crumbling Down

The night he and Yixing would hang out had finally come and Luhan might have been feeling a little too excited about it. It probably was the fact that despite Luhan’s stuck mind, he found Yixing pretty attractive even when his heart strived for someone else, and honestly, he couldn’t care less. In his opinion, if he found the elder this attractive, it gave him a potential chance of forgetting months of running and not reaching, and, frankly, he would prefer to forget Minseok altogether than continue like this.

But, he also knew he couldn’t. His heart still asked for Minseok even when Yixing picked him up from his house and sped down the dim streets with his car roaming. He knew that as much as he tried, he would not escape the pit he had dug for himself when he first locked eyes with that brunette— who also proved to be so special to him.

He knew that it was futile, but he still hoped that giving a try would not be just as pointless as he expected.

“You drink a lot, don’t you?” Yixing asked with a playful glance and, honestly, Luhan felt a little shy because the elder was actually too charismatic for his own good.

“I tend to. I have high alcohol tolerance.”

“Then I should invite you to my place sometime, I have a small bar there for you to drink as much your heart pleases.”

Yixing’s background contained a big hotel line of his father’s, wealth and luxury from his heritage, and a big apartment at the top floor of a fancy apartment building which stretched across the whole floor. He didn’t try to hide his high status either; he drove three cars depending on his mood, and Luhan couldn’t be sure he didn’t have any more unused ones parked somewhere and waiting for their owner to show up.

“Really? What kinds of alcohol do you have?”

“A lot of bottles,” Yixing sent him a glance again; “You should take a taste, if you wish.”

“I’m interested. I would like to get a taste of what you have to offer.”

“Then,” Yixing glanced again, this time for a little longer as a smirk played on his lips and Luhan felt less playful and confident all of a sudden—he blamed that one dimple the street lights lit as the car passed by them; “You should just as well test the counter’s wood. See how friction works on that.”

The younger gulped, his throat suddenly dry and he would be an idiot if he wouldn’t have caught the subtle suggestion in those words and, not that surprisingly, he felt a little too eager for the day he would do exactly that. Gulping away the nervousness, he forced a smirk and nodded his head. “As long as you are the one to put me on that counter.” Yixing’s wide smile brought the nervousness back and Luhan hoped that it was a sign that his heart fuzzed for someone other than Minseok, be it a promise of something too kinky.

Luhan followed Yixing’s lead as they went from one club to the other and by the time they were in the third for the night, Luhan had gulped down three tall glasses of vodka and a beer. But he wasn’t unsteady when Yixing pulled him to the side and pointed to a man working behind the bar, talking about something along the lines of _that’s the one I want to fuck if I get the chance but he insists he’s straight_ and Luhan was sober enough to feel the disappointment heavy in his guts. Maybe it was that he meant nothing to Yixing after all, maybe it was because the promise had been some sort of joke. But he was certain it must have also been because another chance to forget Minseok had been rejected.

So he ordered another beer and he downed it as if it was water, watching from a distance as Yixing talked to the young man he had mentioned before, leaning over the counter with his hands crossed on the polished wooded surface, smiling suggestively. And Luhan observed how he flirted with the man who claimed to be straight and he felt almost sick in his stomach when it reminded him of someone who was too blinded and ran after someone who was different from him.

The similarity was almost physically painful and while Luhan expected the night to be filled with fun, he felt like this could not get any worse.

He was wrong.

He lost his balance when he felt his forearm being tugged back, surprising him enough to mess with his footing and he grabbed on the counter top to hold himself up. With wide eyes he stared at the person, almost shocked to find his mother there, staring up at him with an unreadable expression.

“What are you doing here?”

“I have been calling you.”

The loud music seemed too low once he registered the situation; “I told you I was out.”

The grip around his arm tightened and long nails dug through the fabric of his shirt. “How much did you drink?” Luhan felt a sense of familiarity when his mother leaned in to yell the question into his ear, the alcohol scent coming from her making his eyes sting and nose wrinkle.

“Not that much.”

“What?”

“Vodka and beer.”

Luhan’s eyes stared cautiously at his mother, half mind he wanted to drag her back home and the other just wanted to drown his emotional misery in alcohol some more. “You should go home.” That seemed to make it and he should have been more careful with his words when such situations arose because a spark flashed in the woman’s eyes and he could practically see anger and hatred and distaste reek from them even without proper lightning. Somehow, he could picture her strong stare in his mind and he was sure it was the exact way she looked like at the moment.

“You either come home with me or I will change the door’s locks and leave your stuff outside of it.”

Luhan’s jaw clenched at the threat and the first reaction he had was to let a breathy chuckle of disbelief. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m serious. If you can drink this much at such an age then you better have a place to live in on your own.” The grip on his arm let go and before the woman could slip from his sight, Luhan grabbed on her wrist, holding her in place.

“What is this all about?” He yelled under the music and his mother scoffed, jerking her arm away from him and glared at him under the drunk state.

“You can still choose to come with me,” she said instead and Luhan was rooted in place. Something told him that she was not joking about the matter and as much as he pondered his head to understand what was happening, it was too much of a mess and the reasons weren’t even there in the first place. But he couldn’t leave like this when Yixing wouldn’t know if he disappeared and would probably worry, if not get a heart attack. Not when their cell phones were on the counter in front of their high chairs and their keys a mess between the devices and drinks. Seconds passed and when Luhan looked at his mother, she huffed, shaking her head.

“Don’t come back home.”

He tried to grab her again but she just jerked him off and he was left in between, debating what he should do and what would be right and which wrong. Innocent Yixing on one hand, who didn’t deserve worrying to death about a minor who had snuck in a club under his care, his intoxicated mother on the other, who shouldn’t be driving back home in the first place and who blurted sentences and threats that made no sense.

And he chose Yixing—it was an option that he could quickly get over with.

With no hesitation, he stepped to the elder, poking on his shoulder a little nervously and breaking off successfully the small flirting game he played with the young man behind the counter. Once Yixing leaned towards him in question, Luhan pursed his lips for a second before running through an excuse. “My mother happened to be around, she’ll get me home because I have to go to work tomorrow and I just remembered about that.”

“Is she really here?”

“Yes.”

The elder nodded his head, eyeing him closely. “Alright, go. I’ll call you to hang out another time,” Luhan offered the cell phone and keys he picked up prior walking to him; “And get home safely.”

“I will.”

Obviously, Yixing and him had different definitions of safety because Luhan ended up walking back home in the dark. His feet felt heavy and he really needed to use the bathroom, and his head had already started pounding the after-party headaches. His leather jacket was also too warm yet the chilly temperature was too cold for him to take it off. Both sweaty and tired, he reached home almost an hour later, worn from the long trip and mentally exhausted after thinking through everything; his lies to Yixing, his mother’s words and threats, what he was supposed to do now. Everything twirled around his head and when he reached the top of his floor’s stairs, he was met with the widely-open door of his apartment.

Sounds he could not define reached his ears and he guessed his mother was up to something—what, he’d have to find out by himself.

Worry rose from his guts and to his throat when he found his mother running through his half of the wardrobe, grabbing on pieces of his clothes and throwing them in two piles on the floor, an open backpack lied right by them. With no whatsoever hesitation, Luhan moved forward, taking hold of his mother’s hand, stopping her from throwing any more of his clothes, eyes piercing her glassy stare in search of answers he could not get otherwise.

“What are you doing?”

“Why are you back, Luhan?”

Something was burning in his mother’s eyes and Luhan was pretty sure it was the alcohol.

“This isn’t your home anymore!”

“I have nowhere to go,” Luhan retorted but the woman jerked her hand from his weak grip, throwing the hoodie she held in one of the piles.

“I don’t care!” The woman bent down, grabbing the first pair of shoes she saw, them being no other but his expensive pair of football shoes, which he’d taken with three days’ worth of work just a month ago. It was something he held dear and Luhan felt himself freeze in place, worried that any movement would signal his mother to destroy them—as if she was some kind of bear, he stood still, breath hitched in his throat. “And all of your stuff have no right to be here; just like you!”

The woman pushed him aside, walking quickly out the door and into the floor’s hall. When that action registered in Luhan’s mind, he followed suit, reaching the woman right when she had thrown the pair out the hall’s small window, “Just like your freaking football nonsense.”

Luhan bent over the small perch, catching glimpse of the shoes right before they disappeared into the tree in the small patch of greenery by the building’s entrance. Another swift move and Luhan’s boiling temper made him grab on his mother, eyes flaring up at the show of disrespect to the only thing that held him so close to Minseok—those shoes were the only pass to the football team; without them, no more practice, no more football, no more Minseok.

“How _dare_ you?!” Luhan growled at the woman, tears watering his eyes—that pair was so expensive, so hard for him to get another one when he was broke. “How can you do this to me? Act like this to your own son? What have I done wr—“

Everything around him slowed down, everything moved in slow motion, and he believed that even the Earth had started turning slower. Only his heart beat so fast that he wondered if it would burst at some point. His foot slipped more and his hands stretched out to grab on thin air, a last attempt to hold his balance, but his breath hitched in his throat as he felt his body lean back. The image of his mother’s form with her hands outstretched became smaller but he didn’t stop trying to _reach_.

The first pain stirred right through the middle of his back, his spine coming with force against the stairs. The next was a blur and the only thing Luhan managed to see was the turning image of the staircase and the stairs themselves as he tumbled them down. By the moment he hit the ground, his face burned from pain and he didn’t even have the strength to raise his head as his neck hurt too much. He could already feel bruises and he mentally tried to count the spots which pained him, but his eyes were closing and his brain could not do any thinking.

He moved his head from side to side, groaning in pain and his eyes slowly falling shut as much as he tried to keep them open.

He was afraid. He was _so_ afraid. He had never been this scared before in his life, not even when he almost fell from the roaring horse a couple years ago, not ever. This fear was over-whelming and it almost blocked his breathing. It was that or he had hit his chest or back pretty hard.

But his eyelids slowly slid closed and he felt his body lighter, almost like a feather, and he could not feel the hard cold ground beneath him either. He couldn’t even hear anything anymore—there was just a high-pitched buzz, annoying and nerve-wrecking, and at the same time so calming. He suddenly felt so exhausted, so tired of everything and as much as his brain was having a panic attack in his skull, yelling at his body commands to not give up his consciousness, he could feel it slowly drift away.

Among his fast beating heart, his labored breathing and his half-conscious mind, something akin to flashbacks appeared. Luhan had seen it before in movies; a character gets injured, has flashbacks, and then dies. But it was a _lie_. What he found out was that when you lose consciousness, you don’t see all of your life flash before your eyes. Instead, only one image appears through the shock and fear and pain, one that showed something very dear to him.

But Luhan did not _want_ to die.

But the image appeared nonetheless.

Luhan expected his father or friends to be the ones, but, to his surprise, it was none other than a person he got to know so much the past months. That person had a round face, gummy smile, was thin and had brown hair. And he was smiling so widely, but his eyes were so sad that Luhan felt scared.

Because he had never finished what he had started, he had never made Minseok his and he had never finished the battle he had been fighting for so long already. There were still so many things he had to do, so many others to say and so many others to finish. He had still so many dreams and hopes and wishes that dying did not look like a choice at this point. There were still things left undone and words unsaid that it felt almost unfair for this to be the end.

No, this was not yet the end.

The images of Minseok which flashed slowly burned into ash right behind his eyelids and when he tried to wake up, he felt like he was drowning. Literally. His eyes shot open wide, meeting with a white ceiling and he slowly pushed himself on his elbows as he coughed, water dripping from his hair and face, his clothes wet and his chest jumping up and down from fast breathing. He gulped down some hiccups and breathed in the oxygen as if he had never appreciated it enough—maybe he hadn’t because he had never thought it was something he should not take for granted.

“Don’t you _dare_ faint on me.”

The words sounded a little distant in his ears and Luhan felt too tired to respond. He just wanted to sleep. But he was also afraid that if he closed his eyes, he would never be able to open them ever again. Then again, he wasn’t able to fall asleep because the next thing he knew he was pulled on his feet by policemen, dusting him off and looking him all-over, inspecting any bruises, injuries and whatnot. He hung limply from the policeman’s arms, legs not responding to his mind and everything still being too hazy.

“What happened here?”

It reminded him of a movie he had once watched; the protagonist being inspected by the police and having a panic attack. He would have laughed if he wasn’t actually doing just that. Tears were streaming down his face, confused mumbles coming out of his trembling lips as the shock of what happened hit him too suddenly and the policeman in front of him was half-trying to make out what he said and half-wondering what kind of language the teen was talking in with his constant slurring. In the end he just assumed that the hit on the head had been a pretty hard blow.

He was led into the one-room apartment from the balcony, his mother led outside much like he had been guided a mere five minutes ago and he stared in question at the second policeman, wondering if his mother had actually called the police on him or if it was doing of their neighbor’s. And just when he thought his eyes had dried out and the tear faucet had emptied, the words coming from the barely open door which led to the hall made his legs weak once more.

“Can’t I send him off to an orphanage? I don’t want him here. He’s trouble and he’s a responsibility I don’t want. I can’t deal with him anymore. He doesn’t listen, he never listened to me and he even comes home drunk and all, and he even raised his hand on me! What kind of son would do that to their own mother!? Can’t you ju—“

“Son, do you have a lighter?”

Luhan’s tear-filled eyed darted at the man from the balcony’s door, the wetness making the image of the middle-aged man too blurry—not to mention that the swell around his left eye didn’t help. Even if he knew the man was probably grabbing his attention so he could not hear any more of his mother’s speaking, he nodded and headed for the kitchen, grabbing a thrown lighter which was on top of the fridge. By the time he gave it to the policeman his mother and the other man had come back inside, an expression of exhaustion on the older man’s face.

“I suggest you calm down and sleep it off tonight. Tomorrow everything will be back to normal,” he suggested, eyeing the policeman who was shamelessly smoking and then looking at Luhan’s mother and then at the teen. “No more fighting. Get some rest and, for God’s sake, put some ice on that bruise or it’ll get worse.”

Luhan was left staring at the spot the man had been standing when he plainly walked off, out the front door, and the policeman who was still smoking followed him. There was a numb feeling and it was not exactly the one he felt on his face— or his neck or his back for the matter. It was something inside him and he knew that even if he didn’t suffer from internal bleeding—that much he could be sure of—he was equally hurting because something in him felt betrayed.

Now, being skinned alive by Minseok’s parents felt an easier way to go than hearing every single word he had heard. Coming from his own mother’s mouth nonetheless.

He limped slightly to the worn couch, sitting on it carefully as to not cause any more pain because, honestly, he was feeling pretty enough of it already. Tears had started falling once again and his eyes refused to look up from that one spot of on the coffee table, afraid that if he did look up, everything would turn upside down again and he would be in the receiving end once more.

He cried as silently as he could and even when he heard shuffles from his mother as she roamed around the small apartment he didn’t look up. He felt too betrayed that even his breathing was labored.

“I… I will go to dad,” He mumbled and he heard a snort from somewhere in the room.

“You think he’s going to be waiting for you? He doesn’t need you.”

“He loves me.”

“Do you really think he loves a child that’s not his? You’re nothing but an adopted child that’ll _never_ be truly his!”

That night, sleep found him a couple hours into the long night, tears dried on his face when he couldn’t shed any more and his eyes staring up at the ceiling as he curled himself into fetus position, trying to make himself as small to the world as he could in hopes that no one would hurt him again. That night he dreamed of Minseok and how happy they could be if they just ran away from everything and lived together somewhere, in secret. He dreamed of happiness and kisses and laugher, jokes and hugs and cuddling, and it just so happened that the pain in his heart ached more.

Because he knew it was unreachable and he was stuck in the present, and for once, he could not run away from reality like he used to do because the proof would be there the next morning to haunt him.

And above all, he wasn’t even sure which part of him hurt more anymore.

**

Monday came and Luhan stepped on school’s grounds with sunglasses and a cap just like he used to do months back. He was hiding himself from prying eyes again after spending months in sunshine and the spotlights. It was ironic and he felt worse when Sehun glanced at him in worry when his foot lingered right at the doorframe of his classroom. With no words, just piercing eyes under shades, Luhan turned around and walked off, fully knowing that Sehun would rush after him—he was right. In mere seconds he could hear Sehun’s footsteps behind his shoulder, but what surprised him was the fact that somewhere on his way, the sound of them had doubled and a glimpse over his shoulder confirmed his thoughts; Minseok had joined in with Sehun.

Without wasting time Luhan rushed into the boys’ washrooms, leaning against the tiled wall opposite of the door, waiting for the other two to enter and Sehun shut the door, feeling the mood that it was far too serious to joke about the place and timing and the overall black appearance of the other’s.

“Did _something_ happen?” Sehun asked and Minseok glanced from the blonde to Luhan, catching the obvious sub-message but not sure of what it was exactly.

Luhan glanced at Minseok, mentally debating if it was wise of him to appear like this or not and when he figured that he should stop hiding his broken self in front of the person he loved, he took in a deep breath through his nose. With a swift move, he pulled his cap off, letting his messy hair in sight and then he took off his black sunglasses, revealing everything. At the gasps that echoed his eyes looked up, for a second there meeting Sehun’s and Minseok’s wide eyes and the latter’s open mouth.

There was a silence lingering until Minseok tried to talk. “What… How… Is—“

“Did she..?” Another question and when Luhan nodded, Minseok glared at Sehun and then at the hurt teen.

“What happened?” He asked with a stained voice and, weirdly enough, Luhan felt like Minseok was in need of a hug because he sounded more traumatized than he was.

“I… fell down the stairs and... hurt myself,” Luhan’s eyes fell on the floor, a frown on his face. “Pretty badly.”

“What… on Earth…” Minseok breathed out, stepping closer to the worn teen, reaching for his face and once he sensed the other, Luhan raised his head, looking straight at the brunette. “Does it,” Minseok gulped, hand stretching up and fingers grazing gently, lightly, carefully over the swollen flesh, the blacks and blues making his face twist in disgust; “hurt?”

Luhan’s eyes were averted, jumping all around before landing on Minseok’s neck as in to avoid his eyes. “It doesn’t. I can’t feel it.”

“I’m sorry,” Minseok whispered and just by the words Luhan felt tears gather in his eyes. He pushed the hand away lightly, taking a step away from the brunette and looked at Sehun with a knowing look.

“There’s nothing you, of all people, should feel sorry about,” It sounded less harsh in his mind but he knew he had to tell the truth, even if a part of him wished he would feel sorry for rejecting him instead about something he had no do in.

“I guess it’s going to be a sunglasses and cap day, right?” Sehun asked, half-joking, but Luhan knew what it really meant; you’re telling me everything during Algebra whether you like it or not.

And he did spend the whole hour whispering to Sehun everything that happened on Friday night as well as Saturday when he was taken to the hospital. He had spent the whole weekend wearing a neck collar and putting all kinds of creams and drops around and in his left eye—very fun, if he had to add. Not to mention that his body felt like collapsing every time he moved and walking to school today proved to be a challenge.

“Is Luhan asleep?” The algebra teacher joked, making Luhan’s previously frozen form tilt his head the slightest so he could glance at the man under the cap.

“I bet he is, he’s not even responding,” a student snickered and a big enough part of the class chuckled.

“I’m not sleeping…” Luhan muttered, swallowing swears and curses.

“Why don’t you take your glasses and cap off? Did someone punch you in the face or something?”

It was inappropriate and the teasing was uncalled for and Luhan glared at the teacher as if laser beams would actually shoot from them and kill off the man. That moment, he also huffed; _screw holding back, it can’t get worse than this anyways_. He raised his head, anger boiling under his skin as he talked through gritted teeth in a form of threat. “Don’t you have a lesson to teach? Why do you care about me and keep making jokes? It’s not your business to poke your nose into other people’s doings, your business is to teach so let me the hell alone.”

The class fell dead silent and the look on the teacher’s face was enough to prove Luhan that his point and message was successfully received. After all, he had nothing to fear, it wasn’t like he would get sad over expulsion, he didn’t even care about giving people gossip to spread and talk about for days, and the usual threat of _I’ll call your parents_ didn’t even faze him in any way.

He didn’t think his mother would acknowledge him as her son anyways, shall they call her.

**

The following days had been hollow.

Luhan felt like he had lost something of his soul and while his bruises slowly disappeared and the swell subsided, something had been killed off long ago. And it stank, bringing the symptoms of a permanent frown over his eyes and lips pulled into a sad pout, eyes avoiding others and an expressionless mask over everything. Not to mention that one fine night Luhan had grabbed the scissors he found tossed in some drawer in the apartment, stood in front of the small mirror in the narrow bathroom, and cut off chunks and chunks of dark hair.

There was something surprisingly satisfying when his hair was a mostly uneven haircut, bangs barely reaching his eyebrows now and the hair at the back of his head barely touching his nape. At least now, there was something else he could focus all of his hatred at.

No, he didn’t want to use that word, it was too strong to be used on someone who pretty much gave you life. But there was no actual adjective he could label his feelings about his mother anymore, as much as he tried to find one.

He had tried coming to an agreement and offer peace in exchange for quiet. But he was found raising a white flag whenever his mother would talk those words of hatred, and every single time something would keep dying in his chest to the point he would hear her talking but would be too dazed to register it. Auto-pilot; waking up, getting ready, going to school, returning, sleeping. Even his appetite had been killed off. But the worst part was the one that followed the dull day; the scary night.

Every single night, for what seemed to be weeks in a row, he would dream of nightmares. And in each of one he would be blamed for something he not only hadn’t done, but didn’t even have a say in. In each he would have at least one person to point out his flaws and mistakes and tell all the words he listened to during the day, carving them deeply into the walls of his skull to the point he would remember the nightmares with precise accuracy when he woke up. He had even woken up in the middle of the night due to chocking on his cries and he had spent a lot of half hours calming himself while lying alone on the couch in the silence— because his mother had stayed the night at her lover’s again.

The sobs echoed back at him and by the time the new day broke, he had been restlessly asleep with dried tears on his face.

“You look like crap.”

“Thanks,” Luhan eyed Sehun before sighing to oblivion and plopping himself down on the bench; “Trust you on giving compliments.”

“Well, if I was not trying to compliment you, I would have said something along the lines of _you look horrible and you better go back home before someone sees you and gets scared of zombies for the rest of their life_.  Not to mention that you look like a cow has just munched on half of your hair and eaten the rest.”

Luhan rolled his bloodshot eyes. “You’re so nice,” he said sarcastically. “Cut it.”

“Have you even slept at all?” Sehun eyed him worriedly and Luhan squirmed a bit under his piercing eyes.

“Yes, about 4 hours?” _It was the most restless sleep I have ever gotten though_.

“That’s more than what I expected,” he mumbled before he looked up, just in time to find Minseok approaching with Chanyeol and Baekhyun on his heels.

When Luhan noticed the way his eyes had been staring, he wasn’t sure of what to feel when he saw Chanyeol. In fact, he wasn’t sure what to feel when he saw Baekhyun either. There had been a gap between them after the ‘hiding the kiss’ incident which neither party actually bothered to fill in and fix.

“What’s up?” Only Minseok seemed unfazed by the sudden cold atmosphere and as the three who joined them moved for the bench, Luhan climbed up to sit at the back’s wood, pulling himself as far as he could from the new faces. Minseok gladly took the seat between his legs on the bench and as much as he knew his brain should be throwing parties in his head because of Minseok sitting so close to him, in a so intimidating position nonetheless, he was sending weary glances at Chanyeol and Baekhyun—the taller, mainly.

“Nothing much,” Sehun took up the chore of answering and Luhan silently thanked him. “How are you?”

Somewhere Luhan’s mind had faded out all of Baekhyun’s unstoppable blubbering, going on and on about a foreign friend he had who would pay a visit to him during summer and he truly couldn’t care less about that. He practically forced his mind to concentrate in the brunette sitting between his legs, hoping that the nervous feeling would be enough to pull him out of the cautious feelings he got due to Chanyeol. He placed a hand on Minseok’s shoulder, fingers lightly pushing the flesh under the layers of clothing in circular motions—it was a habit of his to massage someone, be it himself or someone else, just to keep his hands and mind busy and it helped a lot when he was bored.

However, what he did not expect was of Minseok to grab his hand and hold it between his hands over his shoulder, his fingers grazing his own in abstract lines. It was kind of calming and Luhan bit his lip down as to not smile because shall he do that, he would never see another day if Chanyeol or Baekhyun, or anyone for the matter, noticed.

“What is this?” Minseok asked suddenly and Luhan had to glance down, snapping from his thoughts and finding Minseok’s fingers caressing the inside of his wrist. “What _are_ these?” Luhan suddenly felt self-conscious, attempting to pull his hand away from Minseok’s but the hold was too tight on him. He could feel himself panicking. “Luhan?”

“It’s nothing,” Luhan blurted, using more force to snatch his hand away but the grip was blood-stopping. “Really, it’s nothing!”

“What _is_ this?”

Minseok turned around, his head tilted and concerned eyes bearing holes in Luhan’s face, and he felt almost sick in his stomach. Sehun’s, Baekhyun’s and Chanyeol’s attention had fallen on him as well and for yet another time, he felt cornered, as if he was investigated. For something he wasn’t that proud of in any way. The eyes were kept on him and Luhan gulped a bit worriedly, unsure what he was supposed to say. In the end, he stuck with the usual lie he said. “They are cat scratches.”

“Cats don’t scratch that deeply,” Sehun noted, talking lowly and blinking his eyes. Luhan stared at him betrayed, having expected him to say something to save him from being this exposed but, instead, he had joined with the perplexed audience of three.

A moment of silence lingered over the five of them and Chanyeol was the one to finally break it.

“ _Cat scratches_!” he repeated in disbelief, snorting at the obvious lie. “You know that it doesn’t work that way. We’re not idiots, it’s obvious what it is.”

The mockery was painfully evident in his words. It felt almost as if poison was dripping from Chanyeol’s mouth and Luhan had half mind in snapping at him and telling him to finally fuck off and half to be honest and admit his lie. But there was also a fine line between enduring and over-the-top and Chanyeol’s every single sentence belonged to the latter category with no actual exceptions.

“They are just… _scars_ from a long time ago,” Luhan said in the end, swallowing words at the same time.

“Did you cut yourself?” Sehun asked lowly and Luhan shut his mouth, hoping he could stay silent and skip answering the question altogether.

“That’s plain idiocy,” Chanyeol huffed, shaking his head while refusing to even glance at Luhan. “It’s sick, _you’re_ sick, and it’s something crazy people do. It’s flat out pathetic.”

Luhan shoved his hand away from Minseok’s, anger rising from his insides and he hopped off the bench, eyes bearing holes into the taller man as soon as his feet hit the ground. “You know nothing about me and it’s not even something I feel that proud of, anyway. For once, you could have just shut your mouth and not speak at all.”

“Why?” Chanyeol eyed him, tone almost challenging. “Is it because I’m right? Are you mentally ill? That is not something a sane person would do at any rate. _Sick_.”

The elder clenched his teeth, anger scratching his insides and he wanted to just rip the other into pieces. But he also knew that getting angry was not that of a wise reaction either; he had already lost control in front of the four of them. Chanyeol was one to love such quarrels and he also liked to tug everyone’s nerves little by little when given the chance—it’s what he did best. He knew ways of torturing you without even stepping close to you, he was talented like that.

“So what?!” Luhan barked, deep frown over his dark eyes which appeared only darker because of his mixed emotions. “What is it to you? You’re not affected in any way so, fuck me, okay?” He marched away with a fast pace, refusing to listen further or talk more. This was already far too much on his side and he didn’t want to affect the others’ relationship with Chanyeol by making them pick sides. He was mostly doing it for Sehun since he knew he and Chanyeol had been good friends for a while before they started drifting apart a little. He couldn’t care less about Baekhyun at the moment and he didn’t want Minseok next to someone like that either way.

He wasn’t even sure where he was going, seeing how his classroom was just a door down from the school’s backdoor, but his legs lead him past it and he didn’t even glance behind.

There was a serious mix of thoughts and feelings in his brain and it could only recall memories of the past, hardships and whatnot, when everything felt so big, almost huge, compared to his small pre-teen form. When everything weighted a ton and it was him who had to carry it all. When everything seemed so complicated—and it still was—that he often cried tears of frustration. Give or take, it had been more than a dozen times that he had fallen asleep with the worry of tomorrow, even if he didn’t want to admit it.

But there was something easier; it was more convenient to grab a knife and draw lines of gashing flesh and streaming blood. It took his psychological pain and molded it into physical, relieving his mind and thoughts and unstable mentality.

In the end, he might have been stupid, insane, crazy, _ill_. And it had needed Chanyeol to point out the facts that made more sense that he would like. But whatever, if insanity felt like this, he would welcome, and even embrace, it.

He’d seen worse than that, he’d felt worse than this. This was the closest to paradise he had.


	7. Rewind & Repeat

By the end of May, the scars and bruises had disappeared and Luhan woke to a cleaner face as the days passed. The pain and ache subsided as well and he was free to roam about, run if he wished to, and all in all he was ready to move again without having pain restrict everything he did. Not even his lungs hurt him when he inhaled and that felt like luxury—Luhan had never appreciated painless breathing this much before in his life.

His hair had also gotten a bit longer and after having Sehun ask him numerous times to just go and have a professional fix the mess he’d created, he finally evened the ends. He looked less strange and he couldn’t but thank the hairdresser, and curse his own stupidity back when he thought cutting his hair would be a good enough decision.

Well, it wasn’t.

Sure, having a weird hairstyle caught most people’s eyes and therefore less attention fell on his marked face, stiff movements and blank expressions, to him, it hadn’t worked at all. His mind was still roaming on foreign lands, undiscovered situations, forgotten memories and buried feelings. His heart was also pretty much following his mind’s steps and he was slowly moving closer to pure insanity.

Everything felt like an illusion, like it would disappear into thin air any second now and even the time he broke down on the phone when he talked to his father— and practically _begged_ him to come and take him away from his mother— had felt like a dream. It felt like he was just flying through each situation, not really experiencing or saying what he should. He was floating through time ever since the incident, making him nothing but an empty shell of what was him before it—he was a lost ghost in a material world.

One day after the other, Luhan would glance at himself in the mirror and would find traces of white skin where it had been dark blue the day before. The inside of his eye had also turned white again and his cheek was not as swollen as it had originally been. His hair was corrected, his appearance was pretty healthy. Yet, there was something that was missing; true emotions.

Luhan was starting to feel too tired. Running after Minseok and accomplishing every single request or wish of his was energy-draining and Luhan was begging a God he did not believe in to just let him be. He wanted peace and quiet, calmness and lots of rest. He wanted out of this thing called _love_ and he wanted his previous life prior Minseok, as depressing, sad and pathetic as it was, back.

There was something in his chest that broke every time Minseok would walk off to head for the football team’s practice, of which team Luhan had called out when he was too injured to even care about it. Ever since then, he watched Minseok walk off with a tingle of jealousy because there were people on that same team Luhan had gotten the _gay_ alert from. Of course, he couldn’t be sure, but even that didn’t calm down his fantasies of Minseok hugging and kissing, and smiling with someone other than him.

So he wanted out of that, of everything he had suffered through the past couple of months because, in all honesty, it didn’t seem to be worth the pain and wait. He’d been saving himself for someone who was too straight to even consider him as an option. Among the pain and the rejection, Luhan had found himself where he stood in the first weekend of June.

The sun was bright, the wind too weak and the smell of nature coming from all around him and embracing him. The sound of waves reached his ears and his eyes watched how the sea licked the rocks wet with quiet splashes of water. Somewhere birds chirped and leaves scratched the ground’s soil, somewhere children played and laughed and yelled.

His hometown brought a sense of calmness, a small dose of the peace he had wanted for so long. He felt at home, he felt he belonged there. Where the sea was blue and the sky stretched over his head to every direction, where the sun glowed bright and where the silence was broken only by nature itself. He felt like this was where he should be, where both his heart and mind would finally be at peace.

“Luhan, the ball!”

Luhan glanced over his shoulder, facing his old friends. They were all wearing sports clothing and panting, hair disheveled and messy. He made a curt nod before he jogged the last couple meters and came to a stop. He bent down, grabbing the ball with his hands and when he straightened his body, he let a soft smile touch his lips.

That was where he should be, where he belonged. Where no cars would interrupt their little match in the middle of the road, where the small boats would float across the sea, where seagulls would fly above his head.

He took in a deep breath, filling his lungs with clean air and exhaled all the troubles that bothered him for so long. Luhan had already decided to leave everything behind, at least as long as he was here, in _his_ town.

He turned around and ran with all his might back to his friends, throwing the ball down in the middle of the distance and aiming a good kick.

Luhan was back.

**

The dose of his hometown made him look forward to every single weekend that was to come. He knew that when Friday was there, he would hop on the train and travel back to where he wanted to be without any second thoughts. It had become the only thing attached to the only emotion he felt; anticipation. He would curse every Monday that came and would be restless until the end of the week.

And as the days passed and the year’s finals were just a few hours away, Luhan just knew where he would be in just a couple weeks. He had talked to his father and after the idea of moving back to him alone actually became a plan of his, he knew that the only thing that was left to do was wait. His clothes were already in bags, ready to be carried back home. His possessions stacked by the couch he slept on, from where he would glance at them and check yet another day out on the calendar.

The only thing that started to creep up behind his consciousness was the goodbyes he would have to say and all those people he would have to leave here when he would leave. Luhan knew that although those people were few, they were just as important as his old friends. After all, when little Luhan was alone, Sehun and Baekhyun made him open up. And with that, Luhan’s mind traveled to a different person, one he had not talked in months yet met every day in his classroom.

Kyungsoo.

Luhan could remember how Kyungsoo and him parted ways months ago only because Luhan had made the mistake of being too obvious in front of him. Everything came crushing down when Kyungsoo figured Luhan’s subtle glances that he always tried to cover up, when he understood the interest behind the questions revolving Minseok that would pop up at random times. Kyungsoo had gotten to know and even if he hadn’t asked boldly, he had started to bring more and more obstacles between their already rocky relationship to the point where the distance kept them at different desks during lectures.

And when Luhan confronted Kyungsoo, the shorter male did not acknowledge him, let alone respond. And from then on, Luhan turned entirely to Sehun and Baekhyun.

With that, Luhan’s precious people came to the vulnerable number of three.

Luhan let more days pass, he preferred to watch the others act around him, without him, just to see how they’d be when he’d be gone. They seemed to do well, maybe even better without him. And Luhan held on that thought, hoping that his leaving would not affect them in any way. However, with the date coming closer, Luhan knew that there’d be a moment he’d have to face the people he cared about and actually let loose everything he thought of them. He wasn’t sure when would be the next time he’d see them and the idea of never meeting up with them again only made him obligated to get everything off his shoulders.

The easiest to him seemed to be the football team he’d ditched a couple weeks ago. With the excuse of giving back the clothes he had so dearly held on for so long, he also said his farewells with the players he’d gotten win after win the past few months. It was only Lay who pulled him to the side and asked him how he truly felt, leaving everything and Minseok behind.

“I’m fine, don’t worry. I have gotten over him and staying away from him will be something like a rehab for me.” Luhan had smiled, had accepted the light patting on his head from Lay, and had danced his way back to everyone, talking to his coach who so lovingly told him that whenever he wanted to come back or needed anything, they’d be there for him.

That woman had stood very close to a mother figure and her words alone brought him to the rims of crying. He could feel her eyes scanning his face—bruises that were still lightly stroking his sickly white skin, marks that had yet to completely come off—and he could also see how much she was worried and how much she wanted to ask him what happened. But she didn’t. And although a part of him waited for her to do so and then to spill all his pain on her, another preferred to not make her worry much more from what she already was.

(To his ignorance, he thought he would call her at some point when he was already settled in his hometown and ask how the team was doing. A couple months later it proved to be something that was impossible to do.)

Next was Sehun because, somehow, Luhan knew already what to tell him. It was easy to speak to Sehun—that boy was beyond just understanding. But even though Kris was the same, Sehun was the one who changed him and helped him open up to the world again, especially after a full year of not talking to anyone without a good enough reason.

One morning, after they finished writing two final exams, Luhan sat Sehun down at the bottom of the staircase.

“I’m leaving.”

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” Sehun questioned and Luhan took in a deep breath.

“I will be going back to my hometown soon. And I doubt I will be able to come here for the rest of the year, seeing how I will help my father out in the field and later on we have school.” The realization of the little time that was left hit him then and Luhan felt dread run up his throat. To think of it was one thing, to say it another, and to realize it was so much worse.

“I didn’t know you would go back…” Sehun pursed his lips, eyes staring at Luhan as if to memorize his features.

“I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure until a couple days ago,” which was a lie, but Luhan would not bother about that. “I just wanted to tell you a couple things.”

Sehun kept a short silence, searching Luhan’s face for any signs of this being a joke. “What is it?”

“I just wanted to thank you.” When Sehun tilted his head in confusion, Luhan smiled tenderly. “If it wasn’t for you, I would still be that freak wearing black clothes and who didn’t talk to anyone. Without you, I would still be drawing and would never pick my eyes up from the papers and pencils. But you talked to me and you invited me in and I returned to how I was. And I managed to share so much with you and have so many memories with you and I can’t but thank you greatly for all this. Although I know this is not the end of our friendship, I wanted to make clear what I had in mind.”

Sehun couldn’t but show a smile, eyes wet from the sudden confession and he pulled Luhan to a hug, not wanting to hear more because this was already so much more than what he could ever ask for. Without doubt, Luhan was one of the worthiest people he’d met in that school.

“I still have mixed feelings about you thinking I was a girl, though.”

“Oh, come on!” Sehun pulled away suddenly, laughing. “You have a pretty face and big eyes and you’re so slim an—“

Luhan didn’t want to hear more, he just yanked Sehun back to his arms, hugging him tightly in hopes he’d shut up. When he did, Luhan huffed. “I have a _handsome_ face.” Sehun just clicked his tongue, muttering to himself that there was no difference.

After Sehun, Luhan took confidence in confessing everything, planning to rid himself off anything he would not have the chance to tell them in case they didn’t see each other again. Kris proved to be as easy as Sehun and he’d gotten a hug and a pat on the back, saying that whenever he needed something, he would always be there to accept him back. That had overwhelmed Luhan to the point of re-thinking his decision because, frankly, he cared much about the people who had helped him overcome his own demons. Maybe the decision was wrong.

But when he led Minseok outside to their usual bench in that corner, shade over what was left of the age-worn wood, he was reminded of the reasons he’d chosen just that. The bench looked as if it had years to be used, lonely and dark, leaning against the wall for support. Luhan didn’t hesitate to sit on the moving bench and waited for Minseok to mirror him before he opened his mouth. And when he finally did, nothing came out. It felt like it was his confession all over again and, honestly, it was exactly that.

Minseok glanced at him in question and Luhan took a breath, trying to say the small paragraph of heart-felt words he deserved to hear and for the third time in a couple days, Luhan felt relieved to have everything lifted off his chest.

He spoke of his hometown, he talked about his first year, how his classmates—Sehun included—thought he was a girl for at least a month and how comical it was that he found out about it a year later. He admitted how scary he was at first and he defended himself with light excuses, and he mumbled how wrong he was when he put their friendship at stake. And the last thing that was left to say, what something that would make everything much easier.

For his own healing, Luhan spoke what was buried deep in his soul.

“I love you.”

The minutes stretched, silence above the two teen boys and Luhan didn’t try to save it anymore. He let it float instead, a little too heavily, as he enjoyed the lack of rejection and the hope of acceptance. For the third time, Luhan was falling in the same pit yet this time, it felt to be much deeper. And for the first time, he didn’t wait to hear an answer.

“Don’t answer,” Luhan said softly, an order so light and so dangerous at the same time. “I don’t even want you to answer it. You’re not like this and I already got that from the other two times that you won’t accept me. I said this for me. So when I go back, I will have said everything I wanted, without having anything weigh me down when I will try to move on.”

Luhan’s eyes appeared lost and with a quick glance, he noticed that Minseok was frozen in place, eyes pinned on the ground in front of them. “I just wanted to take it off my chest and now that that’s done, I can finally go on without wondering if I should have or should have not said it. Now we can both move on from this mess I created—and I should have never messed with our relationship because of some pity feelings. And I’m sorry I couldn’t control them, or my actions, like I should have.”

Luhan’s breath hitched when he felt arms around him and it took a while for his body to calm down and his mind to register what happened. Minseok didn’t answer and that alone made Luhan happy. Because he’d gotten rid of the three words that had kept him down and he was now able to sail for more, different things—people—whom he would be able to win over. The silence was perfect, in one sense. It was neither a rejection, nor an acceptance. It was calming, offering the amazing feeling of sharing your emotions but not getting the _no_.

Something akin to bliss touched every patch of Luhan’s skin and he enjoyed the hug which would most likely be their last.

_And so be it._

**

Sehun decided to make a last memo and on Luhan’ last day in the city, he begged his brother out of his own apartment so they could meet up like they used to every few times a week the past months. Not that surprisingly, Minseok called to say that he would not come and despite feeling down that he would not be around on his last day, Luhan looked pass that and tried to enjoy the small hang out of two with Sehun.

They spent the whole afternoon smoking away the hours and talking about the next school year and the future and how both of them wanted to travel to England at some point in their lives, coming to the conclusion that they should do it together. They didn’t realize that time had flown until Minseok called and said he was on his way. Sehun was fast to get out of the apartment and run upstairs where he lived with his parents for food and drink suplies while Luhan just lay back on the bed, laptop on lap. His fingers pressed away on the Youtube search bar for some decent music to fill the emptiness the lack of Sehun caused.

Against all odds and due to sheer fortune—or lack of—it was Luhan who welcomed Minseok when he arrived, and with one hug, he started asking about Sehun’s whereabouts.

“He went to bring food. He probably won’t be late,” Luhan shrugged, a small smile on his lips partially because there would be something to munch on soon and because Minseok had actually made it. “How come you came so late? You didn’t have to rush if you had stuff to do.”

Minseok, though, paid close to none attention to him and grabbed his hand, pulling him farther into the apartment and despite Luhan’s questions and confused yelps, he didn’t look back. “I have something to show you.”

Luhan asked what it was, curiosity only increasing when Minseok ignored him, until both were in the bedroom, a small double bed placed in the middle. Luhan stared at Minseok in question and right when he was about to ask, Minseok turned him around by the shoulders and pushed him lightly on the bed before climbing on top of him. A yelp echoed before the lips that let it were claimed by another and Luhan was found staring wide-eyed at Minseok’s face from a very, _very_ close distance.

The feeling of Minseok’s lips on his made little fireworks burst in him and butterflies stuck in his throat and his mind was foggy. All the while a piece of him wanted Minseok off him and another was begging for him to just come closer. And instead of doing what he was supposed to do, Luhan just dipped into the feeling, kissing Minseok back as if he was dying and the only source of life was him—and it probably was.

Minseok was the start and the end of all troubles Luhan seemed to have lately. He was the person Luhan wanted to hate but couldn’t, he was labeled as a pretender and a liar and someone who could not make up his mind. But at the same time, Minseok was also the answer to everything Luhan questioned. He was the peace, the heaven he sought for. Whose one kiss could make the world spin to Luhan’s will and whose touch could make empires crumble to ashes.

The idea alone was huge and the fear Luhan fed for it was even greater. But he cupped that round face, kissing back with all his might and will, trying to pass all the love he had and everything else through it. Whether it reached him or not, Luhan didn’t know. However, the mere feeling of Minseok’s body hovering over him did funny things to his, and the realization of the moment hit him like a brick when the lust in him awakened and he turned them around, attacking Minseok’s lips as if they were prey.

He stopped suddenly, eyes opened and widening to huge circles. He pushed himself off Minseok as soon as he could, as if staying so close to him would burn him—and it probably had already been burning him alive long before he figured it out. He sat at the end of the bed, as physically far from him as possible, and buried his head in his hands, urging his mind to wrap around what had happened.

If Luhan was smart, he would have pushed him away even before they kissed. If Luhan had been smart, he wouldn’t have trusted Minseok and himself alone in a room. But all those months didn’t teach anything to Luhan other than how to serve Minseok. What a fool he was—and, not that surprisingly, Luhan already acknowledged his lack of a logical brain.

“I can’t do this,” Luhan admitted. His voice was so low, shaky even, and he wasn’t exactly sure if it was addressed to Minseok or if he was talking sense into himself. “I can’t do it again.”

“I didn’t know you would react like that…” Minseok mumbled from the other side of the bed and Luhan not even as glanced at him. “It was just a kiss.”

To kiss meant to start over, to start over meant that all those confessions and everything he’d made to prepare himself for his disappearance reset. He would have to work his way again until he would be able to move on and now that there was less than a couple hours left until he was out of the city, Luhan knew that he had fucked up.

“I can’t do that when this doesn’t mean something to you,” Luhan replied, sounding broken even to his own ears. “If you don’t like this, why keep playing with it?”

“I wanted something to take my troubles out on.”

Luhan gulped down a sob, refusing to raise his head. He corrected himself—Minseok was not someone who could not make up his mind. On a contrary, he knew what he wanted and he also knew who would be willing to give it to him as soon as he asked, without any hesitation. Luhan wasn’t sure if that small discovery was a pleasant one or if he should have lived in the pretense.

At that moment the door opened and in came Sehun’s voice, announcing all the snacks he brought and then calling for Luhan and Minseok when no one was in the main room. Luhan felt the bed move and soon enough Minseok was out the door, meeting with Sehun and asking if, by chance, he’d brought any kind of chocolate with him.

Luhan stayed put even when he heard Sehun ask Minseok about him, and while he waited for the answer from the brunette, Luhan wasn’t even sure what to expect anymore.

“He went in to lie down for a while. You know,” Minseok’s voice replied, loud enough for Luhan to hear from the room in the far end of the small apartment. “He’s leaving early in the morning so he decided to rest a bit while you were off.”

It was then that Luhan realized how good of a liar Minseok actually was.

**

The scenery changed in less than seconds, the early sun shining from the Eastern mountains and pouring light over the train. There was still so far to ride through and despite having spent the first hour or so pondering over everything that happened the past two years, Luhan’s mind was still unable to wrap around the fact that it was all over.

The music felt like the only escape at the moment. As if it was the only thing that calmed him down, Luhan listened to countless melodies of ballads. There was something in the singer’s voice, something in the way they expressed sadness and hurt, that gave Luhan something akin to solace. A fake haven of empathy.

A year of loneliness and a year of pain were put behind and Luhan looked ahead to what was waiting him at the other end of the country where life seemed to flow much easier than in the city. His eyes kept skipping the beauty on the other side of the window and he hoped for the best.

Yet, as much as he tried to force himself to believe that this was the right decision, something pained him more than he’d ever imagine. A part of his heart had been cut off and left behind, a huge one at that. And although Luhan knew exactly where that part was, he had to accept the fact that it was now in someone else’s hands.

And maybe, just maybe, that part did not even belong to him anymore.


	8. Epilogue

There was a ringtone of the Skype call echoing, not even five minutes after Luhan had received the message of “ _I’m video-calling you. I’m with Minseok and we haven’t seen you in a while”_ and the brunette guided the cursor on the flashing _Answer_ button, clicking on it and staring at a window which popped up. The square on it was black for just a couple seconds before it became of shapes and colors and the forms of his two friends appeared.

The first thing he saw was the room. It was the same room the three of them had spent numerous times at, play-fighting, fanboying over artists they liked or just sitting and hanging out. It was Sehun’s brother’s small apartment and even if Luhan could see only the one bed they sat on, he could already see a small change; the walls were painted a lighter shade of blue.

The next thing he saw was Sehun. The young man appeared taller than what Luhan had remembered and he also looked thinner. He wondered if the blonde had been dieting. Also, a big change on him was that his hair were no longer a blonde, it was a nice and warm shade of brown that actually made him look better than blonde. Luhan told him he looked great like that.

The last thing he saw—because he avoided it—was Minseok. The younger boy was sitting cross-legged next to Sehun, a pillow between his arms and placed on his lap. Luhan couldn’t really see his body, to see whether he had gained or lost weight, whether he had picked more muscles due to football or, plainly, to see whether he was healthy-looking or not. It was obvious, though, that he had gotten a haircut pretty recently since his hair was way shorter than what he liked them to be. Unless he didn’t like them slightly long anymore. How would Luhan know if they hadn’t talked in weeks?

“Hello,” Sehun sing-sung with a wide smile and Luhan had truly missed seeing that smile. His voice came a bit altered due to the laptop’s speakers but it was more than enough for Luhan to long more for the life he had and, ironically, once hated.

“Hi guys,” Luhan waved a hand at the camera, a smile on his face and the other two at the other line smiled back. “How are things going?”

“Bad news; I didn’t pass the entrance exams,” Sehun announced a little too happy for actual sad news. “Good news; I’ll take the exams next year and hopefully will get into university.”

“That’s sad to hear,” Luhan’s eyes fell on the other boy’s form. “Did you pass?” Minseok shook his head and he sighed. “I expected at least one of us would pass.”

“You didn’t either, huh?” Sehun asked and Luhan shrugged.

“I didn’t open a book. I wasn’t feeling like it,” Truth be told, he hadn’t been feeling about anything ever since when his face was still blue and swollen. “Minseok, how’s the team doing? I heard you were raised a level.”

“Yup!” Minseok grinned, his lips a little twitching, but only for a second. “We’re slowly making our way up the ranks.”

“I had told you not to give up the team,” Luhan smiled and he was not that sure what he was actually smiling about—was it because he was the one to convince Minseok not to leave the team a couple months ago or was it because it brought back a million and more memories of when he spent his time with Minseok during practices; he didn’t and wouldn’t know. He decided that it was for both, and a couple more reasons. “If there’s something you love, why give up on it?”

The question was rhetorical but there seemed to settle a heavy silence over the video-call and Luhan couldn’t but gulp the awkwardness away. It was still too soon, the gashes were too fresh to make a joke of them. Or talk about them. Minseok knew what he was thinking, Luhan could see it in his eyes even if Sehun’s camera was crap. He could even notice the younger’s fingers pulling on the pillow’s strings. It was still too fresh, it was still too soon for everything. The memories were still too new and they hurt far too much.

But Luhan had gotten used to hiding it well.

“Speaking of love, Minseok has something to tell you,” Sehun chirped, hoping to break the silence which obviously made him uncomfortable even when they talked like this.

Luhan would have kept staring at Minseok’s fingers if it wasn’t for the curiosity. There was something busting in his chest like fireworks and he felt his heart pump blood faster through his body and he half-worried that he could die if too much blood made it to his brain. There was a feeling he felt which was too familiar yet so foreign at the same time. As if it was something he had felt a while ago and had forgotten how it actually felt. Maybe that was the case and the emotion that was rushing through him like waves was no other than the scent of love he had breathed for months.

It felt strange but it felt so good at the same time.

He didn’t even know what to expect by the way Sehun had thrown the sentence at him. The way he put it, Luhan’s heart hoped it would be the three words he had said to Minseok three times already. His brain, however, kept reminding him that such thing could not be true and he was either dreaming or Sehun and Minseok were playing a joke on him. Luhan himself wasn’t sure what to make out of this. He knew there was an answer he wanted so badly, but he also knew that it would be close to impossible— like shooting in the dark— if he hoped for it.

Minseok moved the pillow to hide his form as much as he could, eyes staring at what Luhan guessed to be the screen he appeared in. It was obvious he was feeling uncomfortable and that only fed Luhan’s heart for the impossible.

Somehow, months of waiting were worth it. Somehow, Luhan felt like the winner of a race that had been going on for so long he had forgotten how it felt to be out of love. Because how he felt right now only reminded him how strong his feelings were for the brunette male.

“I don’t want to say it,” Minseok whined, childishly pouting and stared at Sehun after a last glance at the laptop’s screen.

“Come on,” Sehun sing-sung with a grin and Luhan felt something crumble in him. That hesitation, that double-thinking, it was all so familiar to him. It was exactly how he had felt before he had blurted out his confess—

“Minseok’s been dating a guy since January.”

There was a sound of something being crashed, stepped on and thrown out of the window. There was something that died immediately and a nasty scent was slowly lingering above Luhan’s chest, right above where his heart was brutally murdered. Time froze again and Luhan could even feel his breathing slow down. Everything had stopped and he was left staring at the screen, unsure whether he had heard right.

_Minseok… dating… a_ guy _?_

The sentence was so heavy over Luhan’s shoulders but his body was too shocked to move. He couldn’t even figure out what to do with that small secret. Was he supposed to feel happy that Minseok was dating? Was he supposed to be hurt that he was dating a guy? Whatever it was, Luhan was feeling wrongly. The only thing he could think at the moment was how this was hidden from him for months and was revealed only now, by _Sehun_ on top of it all. Some sort of betrayal and sheer hurt.

The part in Luhan’s chest that had died stank so damn much.

Not even Minseok wanted to tell him himself, as if it was something he would be pointed at for. Frankly, his fingers had stopped playing with the pillow’s strings and his eyes were wide and hadn’t blinked for the short quarters of seconds it took Luhan to process everything he’d been told. Minseok looked like a small child that was afraid and was waiting to be scolded by his parents, and maybe have his video games taken away. In all honesty, Luhan wasn’t sure why he was acting like that.

Maybe it was because Luhan was the first to love him, to take care of him, to make every wish of his reality. Or maybe it was because Minseok felt pity to that one friend of his that was too clingy and too embarrassing and too much of a freak, and he couldn’t break the already so broken and stuck together fool. Somehow, Minseok knew that it would break Luhan apart and it wasn’t that hard to guess why.

But Luhan’s face drained from every emotion known to humans, his jaws clenched and although his teeth hurt, he forced his mouth shut until the ruckus in his head calmed down a bit. It didn’t. There was currently a World War three and he could already feel the migraine.

So much for hoping for a dream, so much for expecting the impossible.

“Is that it?” Luhan asked cautiously, trying to keep his voice steady. “By the way Minseok had been acting, I thought it’d be a secret much bigger than that.” In all honesty, the news could not be any bigger and the secret was enormous, considering it had been kept from him for five months already.

“Aren’t you surprised?” Sehun tilted his head and Minseok seconded the curiosity.

“I’m not that surprised you’re dating a guy. Weren’t I the one to get you into that stuff?” Luhan felt like kicking himself for the way he was talking and referring to the past which was still engraved in his veins and the tears could be felt over his cheeks’ skin. It was ironic with the way he felt as well. While his insides were breaking down, he was just waving off the matter like it was something to be expected—it _wasn’t_.

The silence which lingered was heavy and Luhan wondered if it was his fault that he had mentioned that short era of sheer happiness. He wasn’t even sure what he was supposed to say now. There were so many words that were trying to escape from his lips and most of them were along the lines of _what about me?_ , _but I_ love _you_ and _I thought you didn’t like males_. Somewhere between those, Luhan felt his throat dry and even if he wanted someone else to break this bubble of suffocation, he knew he should say something.

“Is he nice to you?”

“Yes.”

…

“Then, I’m happy for you.”

**

When Luhan visited the duo a couple months later, he met up with only one of them.


	9. If only it was Us (alternative ending)

The kiss should have felt nice, but it was wrong and Luhan knew it as a fact.

“I can’t do this,” Luhan mumbled as he pushed himself away from the other, eyes avoiding Minseok’s stare and at that moment, the elder tried to reflect back at the action he should have prevented. “I can’t do it to myself again. Not when I’m leaving.”

Luhan felt the bed squeak and he glanced up from beneath his brunette bangs, catching glimpse of the other who moved to sit with his back against the wooden headboard. Luhan managed to notice some hesitation, some internal debuts that were happening in Minseok’s head, and he wondered if he could observe something so small on him because he had already so many in his own.

The silence stretched and although Luhan counted his breaths for Sehun to return, Minseok talked much earlier than expected.

“Just because you’re leaving, it doesn’t mean we can’t do anything.”

Luhan offered another glance before staring down at the messed bed-sheets. “It’s not that. It’s the fact that this doesn’t even mean anything to you.” Somehow Luhan’s voice had become so low, so small and innocent, that he honestly wondered just why he was acting like this.

“Who says that?” Luhan glanced at Minseok in evident question. The younger only looked away, acting a bit ashamed, before continuing; “Who says it doesn’t mean anything to me?”

Luhan found himself speechless, eyes boring into Minseok’s form but getting no brain cell to register what he was told. There was this moment of silence, both immersed in their own thoughts. Luhan knew as a fact that he hadn’t heard right. Minseok, on the other hand, seemed more troubled than what Luhan ever looked the past months.

“Wha—“ Luhan cleared his throat (since when did his voice sound so high?) and tried again. “What are you talking about?”

“Luhan,” Minseok sighed, eyes still refusing to look at him, “You know how my parents are. They would kill me if this” Minseok moved his hand between the two of them “ever reached their ears. They would skin you and me alive, and we would never find peace.”

Luhan blinked in realization of what exactly the other was trying to say.

“I never wanted to cause harm but, as it seems, I only did that. I wanted to be… _close_ to you but I didn’t want to make anyone suspicious either. I miserably failed at that.” Luhan couldn’t but silently agree; Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Sehun, they had all been equally suspicious of them. “I should have talked to you from the beginning, but I didn’t. And you telling me everything last time, confessing so easily and all, brought me to thoughts of _what if’s_ and _maybe’s_.”

“I don’t… understand you at all…” Luhan mumbled and Minseok glanced at him for the first time in what seemed to be a century. “Why did you keep pushing me away and acting as if nothing was wrong when you actually felt something? Why did you sit and stare and listen to everything I had to offer but never actually respond?”

“You had told me not to. And to be frank, I was afraid and repelled at first.” Minseok’s lips formed a small, genuine smile. “But you showed me no reason to be scared when you said so many things I should have thought through from the start.”

“Well…” Luhan stretched the word, blinking a couple times and take in everything he was told. He could find only one word to fit the situation and that was no other than; “Fuck.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. It’s nice to finally know what is up with you,” Luhan’s smile felt more natural than ever.

Minseok stretched a hand towards Luhan, something akin to a truce sign, and the brunette stared at it in confusion.

“I want to work this out,” Minseok spoke confidently, his lips in a permanent smile. “Let’s try our best, shall we?”

Luhan tried to think it through; was it worth it? After months of pain, Luhan could almost feel what felt like a heaven near him, and Minseok seemed to be the angel who called him over and would guide him there. But was it worth it to start over? To give another chance to Minseok and trust him in this? _What if it goes wrong?_

_But what if it goes right?_

Luhan hesitated but brought his thin hand into Minseok’s strong one, his eyes looking at him in all seriousness—it went wrong, he would be shattered. It went right, he would be delighted. “But we’ll be apart.”

Minseok’s smile grew more; “Then we’ll have to try harder.”

Before Luhan could comprehend an answer, he felt himself being pulled and the familiar sensation was back on his lips. Suddenly, he didn’t think that responding was even needed. Because, somehow, the kiss felt much more gentle and perfect than it had ever felt.

Needless to mention that his heart went crazy when he realized that what he wanted was finally, after long, ruthless and stretched months, _his_.

**

Luhan and Minseok ended up lying side by side with Sehun lightly snoring from the other bed in the room. They didn’t sleep through the whole night. Instead, they kept talking about the past couple months and although Minseok turned out to have a lot to say about them, Luhan was glad to finally have some light poured into the dark place that was his crush’s side.

Minseok started from the day they met and how of a freak Luhan actually looked upon first glimpse. How that thought turned upside down when Baekhyun and Sehun met the two of them again. How he was grossed out at the homosexual—and any sexual—thought he got from Chanyeol’s burst and how Luhan’s words had made him think it all over again. How he had taken a couple days off of Luhan and reflected on everything, and how the elder welcomed him back with open arms when he returned, just like nothing had ever happened.

Their first kiss, first intimate moments, Luhan’s second real confession. The football team, the matches, the re-bounds and the pain he’d felt when he’d seen Luhan all broken and unfixable.

Luhan memorized everything and when morning came, he had to move back to the couch and fake asleep once Sehun started stirring. He bid farewell to Sehun but, unknowingly to him, Minseok followed him to the train station where Luhan got to taste the younger’s lips for the last time behind the corner by the trash cans. They hugged and Luhan got to say ‘I love you’ to him without fearing a rejection.

Even if he didn’t get an answer, he knew he would have to work for it.

**

The ringtone echoed in his room and Luhan rushed to his laptop, moving the cursor on the _Answer_ button of his Skype. In just a couple seconds there was a new pop-up window on his screen, the small square revealing the person he had just been chatting with through Facebook.

It was one thing to write to someone and another to see them smile at you and greet you with a wave. Luhan grinned back the smile he had more confidence in only because that someone had told him it was beautiful.

Brunette fluffy hair replaced by a shorter hairstyle that made Luhan pout. Eyes big and brown and sparkly that made Luhan admire them. Petite yet muscular body that brought a couple memories to him from the last time he’d gone and visited him.

“Hello there, champion!” Luhan waved back and although the camera made no justice to Minseok’s handsome face, he could almost imagine the slight blush covering his round cheeks. “Congratulations on winning against us!”

Minseok shook his head with a grin— probably at the memory of the match. “I’m sorry about the tackling, I didn’t mean to be so harsh on you. But thanks.”

“It was all in the game,” Luhan waved it off. “I’m glad you were the one to win though.”

“You let me pass so easily for the goal,” Minseok scolded but Luhan looked away, acting innocent.

“Is it bad that I wanted my boyfriend to win?”

Luhan could hear the fake throw up sounds but he couldn’t take it as nothing but a subtle “that’s why I love you”.

 


End file.
